NURSE! THE SCREENS!!!

who would have the temerity to hurl no less than 38 batter puddings at minnie banister? (i met her on the stairs once.) struck from behind, too—is nothing sacred?

q: ‘would you care to join us?’ a: ‘why? are you coming apart?’ and the goons prove that that joke was going strong in roman times.

what is the liquid that most inspires the british soldier while on active duty? tea! NAFFI tea!

at a meeting of the busby spon council in the spring of 1958, the committee report on a proposed lamp post was read, having been first submitted in 1919 ...

the government is pouring millions into neddie's scheme for saving the country (and where have we heard that before?) and what's more, on this fateful day, a disease was invented that has now become a part of the british way of life!

will neddie give all his money to the next two men to swim the english channel or to an expedition to capture the great international christmas pudding?

tricked by the cunning moriarty and grytpype-thynne into moving a piano from one room to another for £5, neddie sets off in the hold of a cross-channel steamer.

it's 1665 (‘good heavens! i'll miss my bus!’) and samuel pepys unwittingly finds himself embroiled in a devious plot to extract damages from his majesty's government for flea bites administered to moriarty.

no so fast: neddie feels faint, henry's sporran gets soggy, and bluebottle arrives via the bathroom tap.

the story of wallace greenslade, who, seeking refuge from hard work became a bbc announcer by stealing eccles' immortal line, ‘winds light to variable!’

neddie accidentally invents the hairyplane whilst building a mangle. the air ministry (‘how are you off for air?’) try it and it tastes fine—beautifully cooked.

sentenced to hang for dripping without due care & attention, neddie was on his way via the canal to death grange, slaughter hill to collect £8000 11s 4d in rent arrears.

meanwhile, eccles appears as field marshall montgoonery, part of henry crun's plan to hoodwink the enemy. and this is where the story really starts ...

the steamroller in regent street makes a lasting impression on neddie seagoon and his nickel plated bagpipes: it runs over them both.

it's 1917, england and france are at war (eccles is at lunch!) but with whom? nobody knows.

the british garrison will be too tired for the upcoming football match if the attacks by sheikh rattle and roll go unchecked.

a story that will thrill every son-of-a-goon, starring those legendary heroes of the old west—hard riding, hard shooting, hard-up!

in a story of a nasty cough (what happened to that nice one?), nicotine ned of wales anticipates the government health warnings and decides to give up smoking.

into this grave new world strides our orwellian hero, winston seagoon, prepared to take all that big brother corporation can throw at him.

lieutenant seagoon sets fire to his socks and sets out hot foot. but the fort is built on shifting sands and is already on the move.

the story of jim rommel, fred hitler, private eccles, and the search for the elusive black box.

with aid of the new steam-leather microphone we can tell the remarkable story of lieutenant seagoon's mission to crete to capture some naughty-type germans.

lights, cameras, knees, teeth, corsets, action! they're going to to do the story of the film of the book of the tram—i was monty's treble (or i was a teenage werewolf's father).

gunner neddie seagoon, former ablutions orderly at alamein, has other ways of making a mint—he's writing his memoirs.

with the aid of smoked-glass ear trumpet and reconditioned head is captain hairy seagoon, specially selected for a specially dangerous mission.

at the british passport office in whitehall, seagoon discovers young fred nurke has left for south america on a banana boat—disguised as a banana.

the plot involves two missing diplomats, burgess and mcteeth, inter-breeding male and female salami for use as guided missiles, and other nefarious activities behind the 'spaghetti curtain'.

a saga of mysterious boot explosions caused by a weakening in britain's deposits of scradje, a substance found below the earth's surface which radiates upwards thus preventing boots from exploding.

there is consternation in the basement of the disused fish squirting factory when the right (and left) honourable sir hairy seagoon announces his intention of going one better than sir edmund hillary.

off they sail to solve a famous nautical puzzle. but what is the mystery of the hms gladys? pull up a bollard ...

olé! neddie seagoon, exhausted by a night of sensuous morris dancing, finds himself encasseroled in a madrid jail. olé!

on april 5, 1952, london's last tram rolled into the depot. but have all the trams been melted down and made into melted down trams?

this is no geste—neddie is alone in the desert with only the position of the sun to tell him it's still daytime.

t'was the month of february in nineteen fifty-five, when the valuable pier at westminster suddenly took a dive!

it's a piece of cake: yehti tracks have been discovered in yorkshire where the drifts are 15 feet high and snow is expected.

loosen your gentleman's supports for elderly couples—there's been a fresh outbreak of up-the-conk punching.

what is this chain-covered charlie in the gutter? it's neddie seagoon, son of houdini, and he's got his shackles in a twist.

here is neddie toulouse-lautrec, the famous french impressionist (all right; do al jolson!). time is short and so is he.

to find the genuine neddie, they must sift through the rubbish, remove centuries of puns and grime, and discover who signed the bottom left corner.

wanted: one horse-hair stuffed zeppelin disguised as the 7:20 train to bradford with crun's bank attached and going in the direction of up!

it started very simply with a man saying, ‘my socks keep coming down.’ so try the famous eccles method—stand on your head.

neddie seagoon is in paris with no means of support except his national heath braces. but from his broken english they know he's a broken englishman.

national health surgeon dr seagoon is the first to catch the plague—the symptoms are bare knees.

privileged lord debrett seagoon is on a busman's holiday (driving buses) in paris and eking out his £50 allowance. but grytpype and moriarty know that a goon and his money are soon parted.

the first victim is a certain nugent dirt who, on his honeymoon night, suddenly becomes bald!

as a safety precaution, dr fred fu-manchu has tattooed the entire inscription on the back of grytpype-thynne's false teeth.

the hon nedward seagoon learns via the personal columns that he stands to inherit a million pounds if he contacts messrs mchairy mclegs, scotland.

an ancient egyptian script, the personal narrative of an ancient priest—buried sitting down—reveals the location of the long-dead priest's gold-filled tomb.

insp neddie seagoon of new scotland ying needs to find a murdered body and solve it or he will receive the ‘size 14 boot’.

after a hazardous river journey the safari prepares to venture inland but by april twenty-second they've only reached february the first ...

the scene is a watertight alibi in chelsea, london, wc. insp tooth's grandmother, fred beattie, is dead, found under a copy of the poultry gazette—fowl play is suspected.

another diabolical murder, this one in brodley-on-cleat. the room containing the body of lord cretinby and eccles ends up in bloodnok's hotel room in paris.

it is 1899 and always on time. the childe harolde is plunged into a storyline of such convoluted proportions that he is mistaken for the king of england, only to find he is merely king of 23 ponge street, croydon.

the scene is a certain place, at a certain time, in a certain year. squire seagoon seeks shelter as his horse has taken ill with a puncture.

at dawn, the british attack is mounted—not very well stuffed but beautifully mounted. the government is thinking of taking the war off as it got very bad notices in the press.

let us go back to that ecstatic spring of '87: lady seagoon is in the baronial dining room, practicing for dinner, lord seagoon has been hunting, and it's time for tea. but jeeves resigns—what is to be done?

bluebottle enters clad in a doublet made from mum's old drawers. he attempts to free his master, robin hood, but will he be deaded first?

seagoon warms up with two laps of reg dixon's blackpool nights medley and selects twelfth street rag, the fastest tune in the world, for his world record run.

the minister for military-type foods is forced to disclose that the picture regarding christmas pudding for the forces overseas looks pretty black. (‘black pudding?’ i hear you cry!)

for some reason, the 24th of december and christmas eve have fallen on the same day this year and ned scratchit (aka seagoon) dares ask scrooge if he may go home two seconds early.

it's three in the morning and two in the afternoon (making it a grand total of five in the evening) and a finchley child of no fixed trousers bears all the marks of a severe sponning.

laird red hairy mcburk has left his fortune to the first scotsman to play the bagpipes at the south pole and suddenly everyone's a piping scot.

the password is: ‘the wind is blowing through my grandmother's knees’. she ought to wear long drawers, then. (and how ever did they get this past the beeb censors?)

hairy kenny picks up a special £50 prescription from the national health service—he is suffering from advanced poverty. but why is he chained to holloway prison?

1876 and all's well. not quite all, actually. a large hole has appeared in the thames embankment wall and people are falling through it. parliament is in turmoil.

seafaring seadog sir walter ‘neddie’ raleigh (got any fags?) smuggles out his treasure chest on the good ship venus and buries it at the tower of london where the dawn is striking midnight.

what they want is a perfect specimen of a man from the plasticine period—or a specially buried neddie seagoon just waiting to be discovered.

it's 1902 and secret british agent capt hairy seagoon (agent x2) is off to dresden to track down russian master spy igor blimey and the most deadly agent of them all, the silent bugler.

major spon and his men have been captured in east africa despite the efforts of lieutenant seagoon who rallied them around the white flag—‘rather than surrender, we gave ourselves up.’

capt jeeeem ‘groins’ moriarty has revealed the secret of rocket boots to the cambridge leaping team and john snagge may ask neddie to hand in his tiddlies.

lieutenant seagoon of the third athlete's foot is dispatched to london for the giant leather bombardon which henry and min are building in hyde park.

it was a braw bricht moonlicht nicht as far as the eye could see and the teeth could chew.

lost horizontally and existing only on a handful of caviar and champagne seagoon and company stumble upon the land of eternal spotty youth.

it's the night of the great english blizzard and moriarty plans to derail the hastings flyer, blow open the mail van, and snatch the bullion. only engine driver seagoon and trainspotter bluebottle can foil the plot.

king arthur seagoon is on the trail of the tintagel treasure. led on by ghostly music, he's struck down on the old welsh nut before he can prove he's a direct descendent of morte d'arthur.

in a goatskin hut in naughty wales, painter neddie is putting the finishing touches to his plans for a nude anti-atomic dustbin.

burma 1956—the fourteenth year that the fourth armoured thunderboxes have been fighting the japanese, major bloodnok having decided that jim mountbatten's 1945 communiqué was clearly the work of a practical joker.

it was in the year 1656 that the dreaded nadger plague swept across europe like the dreaded nadger plague of 1656.

citizen seagoon has a grudge against the rich because they sleep later. now is the time for their wake-up call—seagoon for president!

any welshmen willing to stand naked whilst hit by an a-bomb will be paid one thousand pounds.

in the cellars beneath the house of commons two masked men wearing leather wigs have tampered with the bank of england's official wooden safe.

the british embassy in old peking is ablaze. the chinese government is velly anxious that blitish flyermen should put flyer out.

our story begins on board britain's latest battleship, the 1902 hms boxer, where a broadcast of their favourite programme, variety awash, is now in progress.

the london stock exchange 1882: tin, wool, and rain are falling. water is flooding the market. and there's talk of the bank rate going up.

could it be significant in a story about a booted gorilla, eccles is wearing no socks or shoes? will this clue bear feet?

with the trinkets in his pocket (a piece of brown string, elevenpence in notes, a mickey mouse watch, the remains of a small boiled chicken, and a lifesize statue of sabrina) neddie plans to buy back new york, and sets sail across the atlantic in a zinc bathtub.

tower bridge has developed strange follicular growths. working through the night in his laboratory, dr seagoon discovers the growths are hair!

pen manufacturers across the land are panicking, for it is 1902 and the great ink drought has hit. the public are requested to keep calm and not fill their fountain pens unless absolutely necessary.

the story begins in hell—clapham junction tea buffet where a middle class englishman courageously asks to be served. but where have all the mustard and cress sandwiches gone?

neddie is bound for the americas on board the ss filthmuck—registered at lloyd's as a dustbin—with a treasure map in his ankle pocket.

neddie's schooling is nearly complete—after forty-three years—but now that he's home he must promise to never never go near the oily waters of ... the canal.

but is the castle the safe refuge it first appears? and what does the owner, dr longdongler, need with a skull mallet and a teeth bucket?

neddie has a birthmark in the lining of his hat—it's the royal mark of the dimburghers! he's the rightful heir to the throne.

every cupboard in grytpype's house is filled with pattern books, each of which would make a complete suit for a man three inches tall. but where in the world can they find men so small?

lance-constable seagoon of long division london river police is patrolling the river when he hears a piano crash. running to the source of the noise, he finds a body in the gutter. but it might not be murder—the victim might have died from natural causes. or perhaps neither as he's not dead.

the scene is a pair of trembling knees in the maldives where two criminal master minds are partaking of a frugal meal ...

what's become of that crispy bacon we had before the war, eh? what's become of it? so brown! so crisp! with that lovely firm layer of white fat. ooooh! what's become of it, eh? answer me! what's become of that crisp bacon we had before the war?

it's the year skrimpson skrampson and two and ned seagoon has fallen victim to sennapod addiction.

bloodnok placed an advertisement in the paper, ‘wanted—money! no reasonable offer refused.’ but will england's saxophones ever be safe from his fiendish exploding finger?

a story of high adventure, one that will blaze its way across the length and longth of great britain, ireland, scotland, wales, england, and certain parts of east acton.

the year 1956 is missing! seagoon scours the length and longth of england, looking to buy a cheap calendar.

‘fingers’ seagoon attempts to commit the greatest crime of the twentieth century—but he's stuck in a pillar box. will bluebottle still have time to enter the junior jetman's cardboard spacesuit contest?

in the very liver of africa (which is much further down than the heart), fort night is under siege and can only survive for another 14 days. can henry crun and his waterproof underwater gas-stove, save the day?

if ned of wales isn't welsh, what is his real nationality? he was born astride the chinese-british-india border and, because they were dangling over, can his legs really be chinese?

it all starts in the basement of a disused fish-squirting factory and exploding-corset depot in alaska.

when a gunman tries to shoot seagoon over the telephone, he decides to take drastic measures and cuts off the gang's supply of kippered herring.

when the british planetary society turns his idea down, seagoon is seized by a brilliant idea—if they won't sponsor his rocket, he'll try the albert memorial instead.

it is 1901 and at robin's post, the ancestral home of the seagoons, neddie is holding a masked ball. but this is no ordinary ball: it is gold, and as heavy as fourteen carrots, three turnips, and a mango—it's worth its weight in greens.

england 1830. lying in a gutter is neddie seagoon—well, he does look like a liar. at the eidelburger laboratory, they're creating life from inanimate matter and have even gone so far as to create eccles!

the great space age has begun. but in hailsham, neddie is still on the books as being a world war one deserter.

grytpype-thynne and moriarty are looking for an idiot. as a tribute to his singing, they offer neddie a ten thousand pound life insurance policy. all he has to do to collect is to get deceased.

wanted: a man for exploding. one thousand pounds offered for a genuine charlie in good condition. apply, the sultan of dirtistan.

at the westminster city council rubbish dump, situated in hyde park, the council has just dumped a huge amount of lagging, because ‘it was in feet and inches, and we have gone metric’.

about the goons in which we learn the origins of bluebottle; based on the voice of a tall, red-bearded scoutmaster with red knees.

the famous messenger, the greek goonican, who came from the great warlord, arnold princiopolies. 300 leagues he ran! over the ionicous, down the plains of olympus, through the snowy wastes of sabrina, across the arid deserts of xerxes and he did swim the boiling waters of the hellispont and over ...

the world shortage of toothpaste grows more acute every day but commander berk's expedition has gone astray. apparently their compass was faulty. it was a perfectly good christmas cracker they got it out of. ‘q: when is a door not a door? a: when it's ajar. guarantee like that cannot be easily dismissed.’

continued on page 63: the tale of a hardened killer, henry ‘drain’ crun, a lone wolf married to his gun.

falling into the abyss of shame, young neddie seagoon becomes the confidant of the notorious scourge of the north west frontier—the dreaded red bladder!

neddie seagoon tries to thwart an underground terrorist organisation intent on wrecking the capital's commercial life by blanketing london with an artificial foreign fog that makes people think nothing but the best of each other.

the director of the bbc home service learns by stealth that the ancient babylonian scroll of purdum—the beginning of all music—has been found by a half-witted syrian dustman in a cave in the valley of the euphrates.

the action takes place in an open air swimming bath in woodmansterne and on the grass verge of the great north road. this play is unsuitable for human beings, young horses, and alderman john snagge.

a newly bored tunnel, running from the bank's strong room to a mysterious string factory on wanstead flats, leads detective inspector seagoon into a maze of tangled clues.

drafted into the armed forces at the outbreak of the last great war to end all wars, young neddie seagoon, a civilian part-time dustman (see beerstains round my trouser tops, bidley bonce, 4/6d) found himself unable to face the task of sharing a barrack-room with other men (see i was fred nurke's batwoman price 16/6d at all good chemists).

owing to a severe outbreak of hand-typing on his snow plough, neddie seagoon, engine driver extraordinary, has been foiled in his valiant attempt to clear the line between hastings and pevensey bay for the hastings flyer.

ed hurn is covering the dire situation in the republic of yacabaku where newly-selected president neddie tom dick harry seagoon is facing rumours of a coup.

a ship, identified as dutch by the clogs it is wearing, threatens to sabotoge the british fleet. its destruction is entrusted to captain neddie seagoon, r.n. in command of hms resolute.

mr ‘eddie kneecroon’ reveals a gift for melody, ‘the famous’ eccles plays the telephone in e-flat, & major bloodnok needs the number of a good tailor as he's trapped in a phonebox, naked.

a sensual pleasure loving devil, one henry albert sebastopol queen victoria crun, wants a black telephone. the job of installing it falls to lineman neddie seagoon who arrives at crun's house only to find he's moved to 17a africa.

there was warder seagoon working his fingers to the bone, sweeping out empty cells, oiling unused locks, polishing handcuffs and giving transfusions to bloodhounds! and never a word of thanks. but where could he get convicts?

neddie: ‘curses, i'm spotted!’ grytpype-thynne: ‘why are you wearing that leopard's skin?’ neddie: ‘so that's why i'm spotted ...’

did you hear they're sending up a rocket to photograph the other side of lieutenant seagoon, from the body of the same name?

that great international leaper and balloonist extraordinary, le compte viscompte de compte jim ‘winds’ moriarty, known as the mantovani of piccadilly, who is heavily insured against such things.

it was christmas night in shanghai and neddie was told to go to the tea-house of the august goon, and when he arrived there, to knock six thousand times and ask for ah-pong.

the great hairy caber of the clan macreekie, symbol of scottish power and manhood, has been stolen by the reeking non-hairy sassenach english!

‘hello! who are you, you two characters? stop! stop i say!’ ‘it's a copper.’ ‘i'm not a policeman!‘ ’i beg your pardon, madam.’ ‘i'm not a policewoman, either!’ ‘i say, you're cutting it rather fine, aren't you?’

neddie has been given the deed to the english channel—le channel englais—but he's had to insure it for eighteen shillings. now to set if on fire and collect the forty-eight thousand nicker!

willum was gagged with a hand towel they brought from the house. the initials on the corner must mean winston churchill.—‘i 'ope so, mate!’

india 1857: capt hugh jampton had just been gazetted to the first offence fusiliers. meanwhile, mr lalkaka was speaking line three and mr lalkajee hadn't spoken line two yet.

neddie seagoon of the south balham gas board goes overseas to collect an outstanding debt of four pounds, nineteen shillings and sixpence.

the overseas gramophone version of ye bandit of sherwood forest but just as silly.

and: who (what?) and where you is (by cluster maps) ...

finally: some propaganda and vile remarks ...

for mindless verbal diarrhoea, occasional flames, unwanted cross-postings, excessive uncut garbage, and so on, just point your newsreader for a (bad) taste of alt.drivel.nemo (it used to be amusing) ...
if you haven't a newsreader or otherwise just wish to read the archives try google goons.

this site is a member of the goons webring. bless ye ...

all sounds and characters from the brilliant mind of spike milligan
assisted by peter sellers, harry secombe, and other demented souls

SPIKE MILLIGAN 1918 - 2002 RIP

all this html is copywritted&wronged ©2000- by spriggs.net
read our fictional terms & conditions and weep!

all the other stuff belongs to other people ...

all complaints to where they will be cheerfully ignored ...

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moriarty: sapristi brains!
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the lost emperor

gryptype-thynne: gad moriarty, you think of everything ...
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