nurse! the screens!!!

naughty m4a/mp3-type format formatting for your listening pleasures and pasted to the internets in alphabetical orders by file name
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«snippets»

moriarty: sapristi brains!
the lost emperor

gryptype-thynne: gad moriarty, you think of everything ...
the lost emperor

gryptype-thynne: yes, but we have a small branch out here licenced to sell strawberry teas and morris dancing.
the sleeping prince

lakagee: i am in complete accordment with the statement you have just vouchsafed.
the red fort

spriggs: we must take action, jeeeem!
the string robberies

gryptype-thynne: only if he’s abdicated.
the spectre of tintagel

bloodnok: quick! a new shirt!
the tale of men's shirts

spriggs: i am adolphus spriggs!
the great tuscan salami scandal

bannister: i bet that's been marked for life by now.
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

gryptype-thynne: you'll get a punch up the conk ...
'round the world in 80 days

gryptype-thynne: what rubbish!
the moon show

eccles: oh, it's good to be alive! in 1985!
nineteen eighty-five

eccles: it's good to be alive in 1985!
nineteen eighty-five

eccles: ooooh! it's good to be alive in 1985!
nineteen eighty-five

eccles: oh ho! it's good to be alive!
nineteen eighty-five

crun: now did you hear they're sending up a rocket to photograph the other side of you?
the tale of men's shirts

eccles: i wondered why my legs kept gettin’ shorter.
the secret escritoire

capt hern: search america and look under the beds!
the call of the west

moriarty: and there’s more where that came from!
the call of the west

moriarty: and there’s more where that came from, i tell you!
the tay bridge

moriarty: and there’s more where that came from!
the tay bridge

moriarty: and there’s more where that came from, ned!
the tay bridge

bloodnok: and there’s more where that came from, tim!
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

moriarty: and there’s more where that came from!
the £50 cure

moriarty: and there’s more where that came from!
the gold plate robbery

greenslade: here is an announcement ...
drums along the mersey

seagoon: pick it up first, you fool!
the missing prime minister

eccles: i’m the anticlimax.
the childe harolde rewarde

willum: what do you want then, bach?
the thing on the mountain

quatermass: yes. well, ha ha, that seems to have explored that argument in full, doesn’t it?
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

bluebottle: polonius was stabbed through the arras.
the spectre of tintagel

bloodnok: take a bus to the house of commons, that’s the finest political asylum in the world.
the man who never was (first version)

bloodnok: well, take a bus to the house of commons, that’s the finest political asylum in the world.
the man who never was

aussie: one moment, mr secombe, you can’t attack the corporation from the back.
the string robberies

seagoon: now — what is your exact position?
wings over dagenham

bluebottle: then i run for the backadoor!
the spanish suitcase

spriggs: what ever happened ... ?
the fireball of milton street

seagoon: no thanks, i'm religious.
the white box of great bardfield

banajee: watch what you're doing, man!
the curse of frankenstein

spriggs: the ballad of the punch-up-the-conk.
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

bluebottle: you mean i've been wasting my time?
the plasticine man

crun: i put up a sign saying, "henry crun, banker".
the great bank robbery

gryptype-thynne: champion barbed wire hurdler, until his tragic accident.
the seagoon memoirs

willum: it's not my turn, mate.
the great british revolution

willum: can i get outta this barrel now?
the great british revolution

gryptype-thynne: i name my weapon basil!
who is pink oboe?

dimbleby: and here, here comes stirling moss, beating a nineteen twenty-six all wood british racing drum.
the great bank robbery

moriarty: they could stand it up on one end.
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

seagoon: beans on toast and a small tea.
the great bank of england robbery

moriarty: eggs and chips – twelve and nine, beans on toast – ten shillings.
the jet-propelled guided naafi

greenslade: mr. secombe, you haven’t told us what became of ...
emperor of the universe

bluebottle: beat me, torture me. burn me with red-hot irons. i will not speak ...
the kippered herring gang

bluebottle: ’ere… what you doin’ with dat red-hot poker?
the kippered herring gang

moriarty: everyone back to their own beds!
the affair of the lone banana

crun: the one i'm not in, min.
the last tram (from clapham)

bluebottle: wait 'til i see that twit bert.
the tale of men's shirts

chief sitting bulls: i'll give you biff on conk! biff!
the call of the west

tannoy: big brother is watching you!
nineteen eighty-five

gryptype-thynne: the legs you see protruding from that swill bucket ...
the missing battleship

eccles: what do you know, i speak three languages!
the sleeping prince

seagoon: is this contract binding?
robin's post

bloodnok: 23rd of november? that's my birthday!
the silent buglar

eccles: yeah, i'm barber black sheep.
the man who won the war (aka seagoon mcc)

friar balsam: those blasted sound effects men.
ye bandit of sherwood forest

seagoon: stop that or you'll go blind, i tell you!
the last goon show of all

gryptype-thynne: dear heavy blotter-outer-of-landscapes.
the junk affair

bluebottle: b-l-e-n ... t-n ... blunbintles.
the yehti

moriarty: nom du nom yakabakaka! someone has blundered.
six ingots of leadenhall street

german: some casting director had blundered, mein herrs.
i was monty's treble

seagoon: now why’s this body lying down?
the moriarty murder mystery

fred bogg: sex; male - name; bogg, f.
the greatest mountain in the world

bloodnok: she's just coming to the boil ...
the tale of men's shirts

willum: boiled egg i’ll be bound.
the tale of men's shirts

seagoon: is that what you tie ships to?
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

bloodnok: it's a touch of the bombay belly!
ten snowballs that shook the world

crun: it says, ‘manufacturer's warning: this chicken is a bombay duck.’
the last goon show of all

bannister: i can't find my boot in the dark ...
the great tuscan salami scandal

spriggs: couldn’t they travel overland?
the africa ship canal

bluebottle: reads. ‘the boy scout keeps his spirits up by whistling a merry tune.’
the white neddie trade

sellers: hold it up to the light, not a brain in sight!
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

bluebottle: no, i didn’t sign it.
operation christmas duff ( special )

eccles: stop that naughty noise!
the international christmas pudding

crun: you’ve been at the brass polish again!
the moriarty murder mystery

minnie: put this sausage on your nose.
spon

crun: just like our lovely little hotel at brighton!
the spanish suitcase

eccles: i like chips in brown gravy!
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

seagoon: what paper do you represent?
bluebottle: brown paper!
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

seagoon: yes. brown windsor soup!
the house of teeth

seagoon: yes. brown windsor soup!
the macreekie rising of '74

bluebottle: i have got two o-levels and a budgerigar.
the last goon show of all

spriggs: this will ruin my budget.
the fear of wages

grytpype-thynne: yes! and only 10/6d a packet!
the great bank robbery

seagoon: but what about the bullfight?
the spanish suitcase

crun: i lost my key, minnie!
the fireball of milton street

grytpype-thynne: well, hold this white-hot poker.
the africa ship canal

grytpype-thynne: if you must burst ...
the last tram (from clapham)

moriarty: yes, but you can jump off.
the rent collectors

seagoon: well, that'll save bus fares.
the mummified priest

grytpype-thynne: business is bad.
tales of old dartmoor

seagoon: isn’t there a quicker way?
the stolen postman

bloodnok: it must be hell in there!
the histories of pliny the elder

crun: you can't get them, you know, you can't get the calendars.
the lost year

eccles: buying a tie.
the greenslade story

daisy: cappuccino?
the flea

bloodnok: it's my regimental march ...
the last smoking seagoon

bluebottle: ohhhh! there’s a caterpillar crawling up my neck.
the sale of manhattan (the lost colony)

bannister: rolling your trousers up and clacking those knobbly knees together!
the telephone

grytpype-thynne: a ... b ... c ... charlie ...
the international christmas pudding

grytpype-thynne: is your name charlie?
world war one

grytpype-thynne: i know, but… somehow i always think of you as charlie.
the jet-propelled guided naafi

grytpype-thynne: this is a real charlie.
the lost year

grytpype-thynne: you’re jest a charlie.
the nadger plague

bloodnok: there's a chink in my armour!
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

bloodnok: i'm not going to eat that!!!
the white neddie trade

i just saw michael bentine at chiswick and he said that i'm a genius.
at last the go on show

the choral society are engaged in that most famous of welsh pastimes ...
the thing on the mountain

chord-in-c
the end or confessions of a secret sennapod drinker

willum: now move along there before i belt ya!
dishonoured - again

eccles: merry christmas?
the string robberies

eccles: two big cigars and they're both lit!
the greatest mountain in the world

crun: a civil servant, min.
the last tram (from clapham)

eccles: you've heard of clapham common?
the sinking of westminster pier

willum: oi'm only the cleaner 'round 'ere.
the tale of men's shirts

seagoon: you do it and you can clean up, mate!
the call of the west

seagoon: this rocket will give england a clear lead of a hundred years over julius caesar.
the albert memorial

eccles: oh! i'll clear off then ...
tiddleywinks

eccles: i'll clear off, then ...
the shifting sands

eccles: i'll clear off then ...
the shifting sands

seagoon: mr clench!
the last tram (from clapham)

grytpype-thynne: what a clever police station.
the missing ten downing street

bloodnok: that explains why we fell over a cliff.
african incident

spriggs: don't like clubbing, jeeeem.
the string robberies

seagoon: ... it says here in small print.
the moriarty murder mystery

capt hern: bring that thing closer, willya?
the call of the west

bannister: i think he's down in the coal cellar.
the yehti

eccles: everybody's got to be somewhere.
the last goon show of all

greenslade: and now here is a recording for people who don’t like that sort of thing.
the nadger plague

capt hern: you let me get a'hold of yer coconut shells ...
the call of the west

grytpype-thynne: don’t do that, you’ll catch cold.
the missing ten downing street

bluebottle: but i know where it’s goin’ to!
the policy

seagoon: come in.
tales of old dartmoor

seagoon: then i'll come in.
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

grytpype-thynne: nervous of burglars?
the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

greenslade: that well known variety theatre, the house of commons.
the africa ship canal

berk: it was a perfectly good christmas cracker i got it out of.
the toothpaste expedition

capt idiot: well, nobody’s perfect.
the curse of frankenstein

twit: we'll be havin' a ripe 'arvest of compost for 'im t'night.
the spanish suitcase

seagoon: then we must be on concrete.
ill met by goonlight

emory-type seagoon: with the conservatives in?
spon

hern: all the contestants have guessed their own occupations correctly.
what's my line?

spriggs: a man so totally unsuitable for the job should be given the contract.
the africa ship canal

gryptype-thynne: and this early french convict is none other ...
'round the world in 80 days

bloodnok: i say, you're cutting it rather fine, aren't you?
six charlies in search of an author

greenslade: the part of the cornish idiot was played by a well-known cornish idiot player.
robin's post

bannister: ahhhh, you're a square, buddy!
the white box of great bardfield

seagoon: coward! hand back your o.b.e.!
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

crun: i don’t know where it’s coming from, but i know where it’s going to.
ned's atomic dustbin

gryptype-thynne: he's a bit of a crawler, moriarty.
the string robberies

greenslade: this is the bbc and the colour’s cream.
the silver doubloons

seagoon: just look at the lousy wages politicians get.
the kippered herring gang

grytpype-thynne: no thanks. i think i’ll have a half of mild and a packet of crisps.
the histories of pliny the elder

seagoon: is this the shipyard of crun, bannister, and crun?
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

flowerdew: henry albert sebastopol queen victoria crun!
the telephone

seagoon: i'm cryptic ned.
ten snowballs that shook the world

bloodnok: there must be a cure for this, i tell you.
the spon plague

bloodnok: oh, no more curried eggs for me!
dishonoured - again

bloodnok: silence singhiz!
king solomon's mines

bloodnok: curse! the wrong idiot!
the spanish suitcase

greenslade: the bbc have decided to draw back their veil of secrecy and announce to the listeners ...
a christmas carol

eccles: i looked up my dad’s trousers once.
the shifting sands

bluebottle: da matches is damp.
personal narrative

crun: it’s never been the same since that terrible night i drank the dandelion wine.
the great british revolution

eccles: i dunno, it's too dark to see.
the first albert memorial to the moon

eccles: he got no respect for the dead.
the greenslade story

bloodnok: yes, i found it on the floor of a barber’s shop in penge.
insurance, the white man's burden

seagoon: all i have to do is get deceased, and then i need never work again.
the policy

bluebottle: do you think i'm a cheat?
the call of the west

seagoon: heavy dentures, sir.
the red fort

bloodnok: oh that'll brush off, don't worry.
the last goon show of all

bloodnok: i was on the afters but i deserted.
the white neddie trade

eccles: do you know the duke of devonshire’s house?
the thing on the mountain

seagoon: watt the dickens they call me!
a christmas carol

moriaritus: he tells me he wants to die rich.
the histories of pliny the elder

red bladder: don’t forget to put da cat out, he’s a british spy.
the red fort

moriarty: i’m disguised as one of the piano strings.
the jet-propelled guided naafi

pilkington-klinge: i’ve just come through the enemy lines, disguised as a british soldier.
what's my line?

bloodnok: and other disgusting noises ...
the greatest mountain in the world

greenslade: this disjointed conversation.
the string robberies

crun: we must have the documents, you know?
the affair of the lone banana

grytpype-thynne: you certainly have been.
the ink shortage

spriggs: i don't like it, jeeeem ...
the white neddie trade

crun: double strength security!
the great bank robbery

bannister: what about the drains in hackney?
the jet-propelled guided naafi

seagoon: we drank, and smashed our glasses in the fireplace.
nineteen eighty-five

bannister: don’t know where the draught’s coming from but i know where it’s going to.
personal narrative

grytpype-thynne: you know these blinds are drawn ...
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

seagoon: yes sonny, it’s a tradition amongst drowning men.
the call of the west

seagoon: my grandmother keeps a duck farm in kent ...
the burning embassy

spriggs: ooooo! that hurts, jeeeem!
the thing on the mountain

bloodnok: someone knocking on the door with a duck!
world war one

willum: 1 must charge you with drivin' a piece o' land wiv'out due care and attention.
the missing battleship

swede: when brought before me, 'e was soakin' wet and drippin' without due care an' attention.
the rent collectors

moriarty: you make a joke of me!?!
tales of montmatre

moriarty: stop sawing my wooden leg!
tales of montmatre

moriarty: so i see by your poor old paintings.
tales of montmatre

bloodnok: ragged bum!?!
tales of montmatre

moriarty: here it is, two francs in unused socks.
tales of montmatre

moriarty: ohhhh in french!
tales of montmatre

seagoon: you're right, it didn't.
the vanishing room

omnes: blimey! pooh!
the missing scroll (the lost music of purdom)

moriarty: ... grytpype, grytpype! grytpype! which dustbin are you in?
the curse of frankenstein

seagoon: trapped inside a dark, donk dustbin.
the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

bluebottle: i came in the council dustcart!
the last tram (from clapham)

greenslade: the silence you are now hearing is not the silence brought on by the insertion of earplugs.
the macreekie rising of '74

seagoon: one hundred pounds for earplugs we can hear through?
the macreekie rising of '74

seagoon: ah. ah, yes, but at the slightest tremor i’ll write to the bbc.
the greenslade story

bloodnok: earthquakes in east acton.
the greenslade story

bluebottle: eccles ... do you remember, eccles?
tales of old dartmoor

moriarty: the famous german spy?
the choking horror

grytpype thynne: but we reactionaries did not want another eidelburger on the throne.
the case of the missing heir

eccles: you seen the eiffel tower?
the missing scroll (the lost music of purdom)

german: just about everybody, i think ...
the tale of men's shirts

bluebottle: i got an electric twit for christmas.
the tale of men's shirts

bannister: they're out of season.
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

bluebottle: a kiss is a-lip-tickle.
the thing on the mountain

grytpype-thynne: i’ll have you know, neddie, that i am (gong).
emperor of the universe

banajee: i am understanding the necessary of gainful employment.
the string robberies

moriarty: sapristi! he's written in an empty gun for me!
six charlies in search of an author

bowser: thirteen men claiming to be the english nation, are approaching here on foot.
the great british revolution

colonel: it was marked on the tin, “a n - u - double f. net weight four ounces”.
world war one

greenslade: you and soil erosion in john snagge’s office.
the great regent's park swim

seagoon: poor socially-misguided fools.
the kippered herring gang

bannister: i love those old etonian customs.
the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

grytpype-thynne: oh well, moriarty ...
wings over dagenham

crun: what about an all-rubber euphonium with fitted carpets?
the missing boa constrictor

seagoon: i'm afraid you'll have to be evacuated.
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

bannister: give him an evasive answer.
the great tuscan salami scandal

grytpype-thynne: eventually, yes.
the telephone

eccles: printed by j smith and sons, birmingham.
the moriarty murder mystery

willum: although, you know sir, i must admit, me eyes ain't what they used to be.
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

bannister: oh dear, he’s fainted.
the missing boa constrictor

greenslade: due to a fault in the wiring ...
the missing boa constrictor

willum: any fear of work today?
world war one

idiot: oh. you can't see it. it's covered with feathers.
the missing scroll (the lost music of purdom)

minister: fiery speeches like this will save the party.
the treasure in the tower

moriarty: it's a filthy lie!
the junk affair

moriarty: ... a stinking filthy lie!
the junk affair

bloodnok: you filthy swine!
the evils of bushey spon

bloodnok: you filthy swine!
the plasticine man

bloodnok: you filthy swine!
the thing on the mountain

bloodnok: you filthy swine! you see it wasn't easy.
the man who never was

bloodnok: you filthy swine!
the white neddie trade

insp mincing: you filthy swine!
the stolen postman

grytpype-thynne: you filthy swine!
the stolen postman

bloodnok: you filthy swine!
the shifting sands

bloodnok: you filthy swine, you!
the shifting sands

eccles: foine ... foine ... foine ...
the case of the missing cd plates

morarty: piece of string!!!
queen anne's rain

grytpype-thynne: which of all these fishbones is you?
the call of the west

grytpype-thynne: this bed is, and i quote from this prison discharge paper, the comte de jim "reeking" moriarty ...
the nadger plague

seagoon: i'll break every bone in my fist!
the last goon show of all

crun: we're flattening fish, sir.
the kippered herring gang

scientist: but, there are idiots in this world, you know.
wings over dagenham

bluebottle: you may have fleas of your own one day.
the flea

grytpype-thynne: count jim "flies" ... moriarty!
the call of the west

spriggs: never mind those flip-flap knees, jeeeem!
the £1,000,000 penny

eccles: you know, he's got flu.
the white box of great bardfield

seagoon: you have now, mate. that pound’s a forgery!
six charlies in search of an author

seagoon: yes, you ... you do look a bit foreign.
ned's atomic dustbin

moriarty: so, the señor is a foreigner.
the spanish suitcase

lawnmower: ah, dutch come from holland, sir.
personal narrative

bloodnok: just a minute, i’ll count it again, i’m not sure ...
wings over dagenham

cringinknutt: three goons in a fountain.
the affair of the lone banana

grytpype-thynne: so here is your fourpence back.
the missing boa constrictor

chinstrap: they're firing hens at us.
the shifting sands

seagoon: is equal to three fully-clothed miles in france!
the call of the west

flowerdew: admiralty, third floor.
ill met by goonlight

bloodnok: will i never be free of them?
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

willum: russian frogmen dunnit, mate!
the sinking of westminster pier

greenslade: owing to frost, the swimming gala at lords cricket ground has been postponed.
the missing ten downing street

eccles: you didn’t order any cases of frozen feet!
scradje

bluebottle: i like this game now, i do.
nineteen eighty-five

bluebottle: i don't like this game.
dishonoured or the fall of neddie seagoon

bluebottle: i don't like all these hairy germens.
the tale of men's shirts

grytpype-thynne: take a letter - in gargling fluid ...
ten snowballs that shook the world

bannister: get modern in six weeks - or get out!
the mighty wurlitzer

bloodnok: better still, get out!
the tale of men's shirts

ghost: there's a spec of dust under the mudguard.
tiddleywinks

seagoon: but you can't be human!
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

gladys: your car's ready, sir.
the last tram (from clapham)

bloodnok: at least i can afford to run away from you.
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

moriarty: but first - our glorious national anthem!
the sleeping prince

crun: she can't get the wood, either ...
the white box of great bardfield

eccles: no, but you’ve done ... done me a power of good.
the vanishing room

crun: this gentleman is going to south america ...
the affair of the lone banana

eccles: you're a good-lookin' fella, too!
the £50 cure

eccles: havin' a good time!
the greatest mountain in the world

grytpype-thynne: have a gorilla.
napoleon's piano

neddie: i'm trying to give them up.
napoleon's piano

grytpype-thynne: are you sure you won't have a gorilla?
napoleon's piano

grytpype-thynne: oh naughty gorillas.
napoleon's piano

eccles: hey! these gorillas are strong!
napoleon's piano

seagoon: so that's commercial television.
ten snowballs that shook the world

announcer: eat grabbo dogfood.
ten snowballs that shook the world

lalkaka: everything in the garden is indeed lovely ...
the pam's paper insurance policy

bluebottle: have you ever been out with women in grass skirts?
personal narrative

grytpype-thynne: curse this law of gravity! who passed it?
emperor of the universe

eccles: ... i think i'll go home ...
robin's post

crun: i can't concentrate on the brown leather when you keep singing the ‘green door’, you know ...
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

willum: not quite green ... more of a dirty yellow colour.
the tale of men's shirts

seagoon: namely, running along with a bottle of green liquid.
the great regent's park swim

moriarty: the money! the moolah! the grisbi!
the flea

moriarty: announcing, in the brown corner, at a two hundred pound, four shillings and eightpence ...
the nadger plague

crun: your honour, we plead guilty but insane.
the sale of manhattan (the lost colony)

prime minister: i have today dispatched a steam gunboat up the river steam dicker.
queen anne's rain

grytpype-thynne: we're going to send a gunboat!
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

eccles: i was practicing exploding myself for guy fawkes night.
the great bank robbery

bloodnok: put these in a jar of hair oil!
world war one

crun: i do know a man with a hairy-bald head!
the phantom head shaver (of brighton)

rustic: let's hang 'im now!
the rent collectors

grytpype-thynne: i suppose he makes somebody happy ...
the sahara desert statue

grytpype-thynne: the great count jim ‘strains-supreme’ ... moriarty!
the gold plate robbery

grytpype-thynne: don't be silly, haydn's been dead for years!
the jet-propelled guided naafi

lalkaka: ... and my feet are in the highlands ...
the curse of frankenstein

bloodnok: oh seagoon, the heat!
the booted gorilla

crun: our water rates are high enough as it is.
the string robberies

eccles: not from here.
african incident

crun: we don’t want it any higher, it’s ...
the albert memorial

greenslade: what is the goon show’s first name and give an example of.
the histories of pliny the elder

eccles: who do you think you're hitting?
i was monty's treble

eccles: it’s me, i got a hole in my sock.
emperor of the universe

seagoon: honouri tempus and gratis.
under two floorboards

willum: mate! oww, me 'ooter, owww!
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

bannister: did you take your male hormone pills?
i was monty's treble

capt hern: where's yer horse?
the call of the west

willum: no, it’s an ’orse, mate.
the flea

grytpype thynne: they’re always howling. no trees on the prairie.
the call of the west

seagoon: and in that order ...
the tale of men's shirts

spriggs: must be something wrong with the line, jeeeem!
the moriarty murder mystery

eccles: ... too much competition!
the stolen postman

eccles: and i always wanted to be da village idiot.
the thing on the mountain

grytpype-thynne: therefore we rest on the grounds of homo nefragum ad ero totandum, procliverans quer a pathlore calorum.
the junk affair

slim: remember, any other key is illegal.
ten snowballs that shook the world

grytpype-thynne: you illiterate swine!
the jet-propelled guided naafi

bluebottle: i was doing an impression of sleeping.
the nadger plague

bloodnok: how dare you talk while i'm kissing your wife.
tales of montmatre

seagoon: ... i hope i heard right.
the tale of men's shirts

bloodnok: but it’s innocent!
the spanish suitcase

seagoon: hahaha ha ha!
napoleon's piano

crun: and stop flashing your insteps, min.
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

seagoon: someone has blundered.
the tale of men's shirts

eccles: um. i’m de intelligence officer.
the history of communications

grytpype-thynne: you thin-legged steamer, you.
the spon plague

seagoon: i must warn you that this is a case of ipso facto corum carborundum filio.
the dreaded piano clubber

crun: it's him, ned seagoon ...
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

spriggs: thank you, jeeeem fans! thank you, jeeeem fans!
the spon plague

a vice that was hue and unsavoury
held a vicar named lebarry in slavery
amidst lecherous howls
he would bugger young owls
that he kept in an underground aviary
last goon show rehearsal

seagoon: for he's a jolly good seagoon!
the sinking of westminster pier

willum: get yer trousers on, ’urry julian!
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

grytpype-thynne: he is count jeeeem (kidney wiper) moriarty ...
the spon plague

grytpype-thynne: no wonder it's asleep.
the white neddie trade

moriarty: it’s an insult to people without knees to hear that type of stuff.
the moon show

grytpype-thynne: count jeeeem knee-trembler ... moriarty.
world war one

eccles: i haven't got a knob on my side!
the last goon show of all

bannister: there's no-one knocking at the door.
the rent collectors

willum: what's this label round 'is neck say?
the spectre of tintagel

grytpype-thynne: of course i may think of a better name for it later ...
the space age

bloodnok: if you’re the author couldn’t you have made me a little younger.
six charlies in search of an author

eccles: i shoulda said that sooner, shouldn't i?
tales of old dartmoor

moriarty: come in ...
napoleon's piano

bannister: i’m making a laundry soup from it.
the £50 cure

moriarty: je long charlie, stay le front.
the man who never was (first version)

crun: ahh, let's see. omnibuses sold. yes, here's the first one we sold, 1873.
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

bloodnok: we turn left here, lad.
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

seagoon: a left-handed penguin.
'round the world in 80 days

grytpype-thynne: leg lag!
the last goon show of all

seagoon: no, len's out.
the great british revolution

crun: one gill of a rare leopard oil! in newts ...
a christmas carol

bloodnok: all lies, do you hear me?! lies!
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

crun: min! you turned the lighthouse light out last night!
ten snowballs that shook the world

eccles: my mother says that liquorice gives you a good run for your money!
dishonoured - again

little jim: 'dey fallen in 'da wate ...
the string robberies

eccles: he says he doesn't understand what he's saying either.
the last goon show of all

lalkaka: we fear you are locked in ...
the red fort

eccles: here's my latest record, folks!
the £50 cure

bluebottle: that’s ... that’s for looking through.
the sleeping prince

crun: min ... min's falling to bits ...
the last goon show of all

bloodnok: dear lord plunger, i enclose ...
the stolen postman

yokel: of course you did, now wasn't that lovely?
the great british revolution

willum: 'e went to lumber some charlie in carshalton.
the yehti

willum: 'take yer 'at off!', see?
the histories of pliny the elder

seagoon: the last tramdriver, norris lurker.
the last tram (from clapham)

greenslade: n-o-r-r-i-s l-u-r-k-e-r ...
the last tram (from clapham)

bloodnok: the granada hotel? room 205?
the moriarty murder mystery

bloodnok: sennapod and gunpowder soup?
the stolen postman

psycho: out in the midday sun.
the plasticine man

crun: stop that modern foreign madrigal.
the spanish suitcase

capt retch: shiver the braces and lower the jayne mansfield!
the treasure in the tower

grytpype-thynne: the leadership of the conservative party is yours for the asking!
the last goon show of all

grytpype-thynne: i would but moriarty doesn’t love me.
the telephone

bannister: what does it mean, henry?
the spanish suitcase

eccles: ... and you see what you get ...
the great statue debate

flowerdew: a mental picture of the goon show, sir.
wings over dagenham

bloodnok: but what's the message?
personal narrative

eccles: oh. oh, hold on, i’ll nip back an’ get it. aho ho!
the history of communications

bluebottle: i will call them mick and pat.
the yehti

spriggs: are you taking the mickey out of me?
the junk affair

spriggs: he has to pay them, folks.
the ink shortage

bannister: i was ... i was born to dance, henry!
the burning embassy

bloodnok: then why are you covered in mince?
the jet-propelled guided naafi

banajee: hooray!
the curse of frankenstein

crun: i am known as modern crun!
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

bannister: what’s the elephant doing in the kitchen?
the giant bombardon

moriarty: money!!!!!
the international christmas pudding

hern: and that precious american quality, called money ...
the chinese legs

seagoon: would you mind turning your back while I unfasten my money belt?
the internal mountain

seagoon: after all, money talks!
the man who won the war (aka seagoon mcc)

eccles: here, have one of my monkeys ... they’re milder.
napoleon's piano

bloodnok: the man who broke the bank at monte carlo.
the moriarty murder mystery

eccles: okay, i've shot secombe. what now?
the toothpaste expedition

grytpype-thynne: comte jim le 'steamed nuts' moriarty.
the tay bridge

grytpype-thynne: moriarty, known as the mantovani of piccadilly.
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

moriarty: count jim 'thighs' moriarty. count of ten. second baron lands, and marquis de la refreshments.
what's my line?

moriarty: it's the difference between margarine.
the last goon show of all

omnes: mmmmmmoooorrrrrnnnnniiiiiinnnnngggggggg...........
the spon plague

seagoon: good morning ...
the curse of frankenstein

seagoon: yes, that's another 30 seconds gone!
the seagoon memoirs

greenslade: exhausted by his night of sensuous morris dancing
the spanish suitcase

seagoon: i had retired from the army ...
search for rommel's treasure

sellers: can you send me a catalogue of motor cars facing the other way, please?
tiddleywinks

sellers: i haven’t been near a car since dawn this morning last night!
a christmas carol

sellers: i was only making that noise until it arrived.
the flea

bannister: i'm going out with a mountain.
the white neddie trade

gryptype-thynne: we are mountaineering on a rather tight budget.
the moon show

seagoon: you're not mrs quott.
the tale of men's shirts

bloodnok: here’s mud in yer eye!
the tale of men's shirts

rommel: curse! all our washing in the mud again.
search for rommel's treasure

bannister: you'll have to prove it, buddy.
the yehti

bannister: we'll all be murdered in our beds!
the white box of great bardfield

bannister: oh, we’ll be murdered in our beds! fishtoo, fishtoo.
the moriarty murder mystery

commander: imperial army of yacabaku!
the sleeping prince

seagoon: curse ...
lurgi strikes britain

grytpype-thynne: of course they won’t stop when you keep waving that revolting thing at them!
the seagoon memoirs

seagoon: that was a nasty fall ...
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

spriggs: now then ... what is a navy?
the flea

seagoon: up to his neck in it ...
the sinking of westminster pier

moriarty: what a memory you have!
napoleon's piano

doctor: must you?
lurgi strikes britain

singhiz: thirty-six cardboard replicas of nelson's column from the inside.
shangri-la again

eccles: little does he know that i’m the next fellow.
the booted gorilla

seagoon: you fisherman's nit!
what's my line?

grytpype thynne: poor fellow, you must be starving. have a noodle.
china story

grytpype thynne: yoiks! tally-ho, nutty! have a noodle.
china story

grytpype thynne: come, neddie, have another noodle.
china story

eccles: do you know ... do you know who you're talking to?
the last tram (from clapham)

laird red hairy maclegs: tonight we march north to england!
the macreekie rising of '74

eccles: hold yer nose then, buddy!
the call of the west

bloodnok: i'm not acting.
what's my line?

bloodnok: i'd call you worse ...
the last tram (from clapham)

crun: all that laughing for nothing ...
what's my line?

bluebottle: don't do dat eccles. it's not nice!
the burning embassy

bluebottle: don't do dat eccles. it's not nice!
the junk affair

spike: policemen are numbered in case they get lost!
the last goon show of all

bloodnok: open your wallet and say after me ...
dishonoured - again

seagoon: you’ll get an o-b-e for this.
ill met by goonlight

flowerdew: it was perfectly quiet until you came along!
the histories of pliny the elder

grytpype-thynne: oil yourself, and pack the jam tins.
drums along the mersey

chinstrap: here's to the old country, sir.
the shifting sands

eccles: how's yer old dad?
the whistling spy enigma

eccles: yup. how's yer old dad?
the whistling spy enigma

eccles: my old dad's okay, too ...
the whistling spy enigma

grytpype-thynne: old england isn’t finished yet.
the last goon show of all

seagoon: by jove! that water was taller than me.
the tale of men's shirts

eccles: i want some old-fashioned lovin!
world war one

seagoon: this is money for old rope.
napoleon's piano

seagoon: i gave him a guarded ... oui.
the spanish suitcase

seagoon: you mistook me for one.
the spanish suitcase

seagoon: so you suspect me?
the spanish suitcase

grytpype-thynne: olé!
the spanish suitcase

grytpype-thynne: you silly twisted boy, you ...
the spanish suitcase

crun: you can't stay here then.
the spanish suitcase

banajee: this is indeed a very graphic description of the nature of our vocational activity.
the great statue debate

grytpype-thynne: i was only ... nearly saying that the other day.
the flea

preacher: it is written in red, friends! thou shalt not overdraw!
the chinese legs

moriarty: you gotta go ...
wings over dagenham

grytpype-thynne: time for your "owwwww"!
the burning embassy

moriarty: i've gotta go owwwww!
the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

bloodnok: oh! that's better!
unchained melodies

bannister: we're ... we're oyster sexers ...
the sinking of westminster pier

seagoon: ah, here it is, christmas eve, and still no offers of pantomime.
dishonoured - again

moriarty: what is this chain covered charlie in the gutter?
the white box of great bardfield

willum: ’ere, you can’t park that there, sir.
dishonoured - again

greenslade: seagoon realised that something sinister was afeet.
scradje

seagoon: i've been tricked!
the spanish suitcase

capt hern: it's pay as ya hern!
the call of the west

sellers: who is the owner of policeman pc-439?
the seagoon memoirs

seagoon: you must be mother-of-pearl.
the greatest mountain in the world

crun: i’ve got the pendulum stuck down my trousers, min.
the plasticine man

crun: min, min, the penguin wants to go out.
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

spriggs: it’s a lie! i didn’t write that one!
insurance, the white man's burden

eccles: penny for de guy?
the string robberies

willum: i call him a pianist, mate.
insurance, the white man's burden

moriarty: some swine sent in a piano tuner.
the jet-propelled guided naafi

bannister: never be a hit with that title.
the silver dubloons

grytpype-thynne: and first man to go three weeks without stopping.
the thing on the mountain

moriarty: hazzah! at last! a plot!
the burning embassy

grytpype-thynne: give me that ha’penny at once, i’m wearing the pocket!
the moriarty murder mystery

there was once a beautiful moon
it was up in the sky, chum
when he said, "what's the time?"
they replied, "what?"
and the horse departed, leaving spon
the moon show

seagoon: do you know this woman?
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

bluebottle: pokey pokey pokey!
the great british revolution

crun: it ... it’s not dead yet, min. it’s ... it’s still ponging.
the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

bannister: i live in hackney and the drains pong!
the jet-propelled guided naafi

moriarty: the fumes, oh the pong, the pong, grytpype.
the call of the west

crun: yes, and the pong in the summer is terrible!
the internal mountain

seagoon: they nearly had you on the run.
the flea

seagoon: good heavens! issue umbrellas! the scots are firing porridge!
the macreekie rising of '74

bluebottle: is it? ooh, i feel a proper fool, now.
china story

greenslade: and adapted for washing machine by sir pules bladdock.
the thing on the mountain

moriarty: not a pretty sight!
the spanish suitcase

grytpype-thynne: i've been watching you for some time ...
the yehti

omnes: april in paree ...
the yehti

grytpype-thynne: we are from the ministry of psychological.
the burning embassy

moriarty: and i'll put in the punctuation.
the rent collectors

o'brien: he’s put his pyjamas on, begorra.
the house of teeth

grytpype-thynne: have a picture of queen victoria.
the international christmas pudding

grytpype-thynne: do have a picture of queen victoria?
the international christmas pudding

crun: now that you've asked me ...
wings over dagenham

eccles: i know some fellas ...
the white box of great bardfield

seagoon: is this the queue for signing on?
the plasticine man

seagoon: for plunger bailey, white, chunky, pinhead, and all the lads in queue seven at battersea labour exchange ...
the sleeping prince

seagoon: isn't there a quicker way?
the stolen postman

seagoon: now, bluebottle, are you going to come quietly, or do i have to use earplugs?
the mustard and cress shortage

raleigh: listen, you nit, this is radio.
the treasure in the tower

seagoon: the singer was a tall ragged idiot ...
napoleon's piano

singhiz: is punching poor bert ramjat-singh right up his conk!
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

willum: i knows a bald-headed old woman ...
the gold plate robbery

seagoon: we’re takin’ over england and here’s a receipt for it.
the great british revolution

moriarty: two pounds, and worth every penny of it.
the spectre of tintagel

greenslade: ... repeated by special request of the authors.
six charlies in search of an author

crun: oh i'm sorry, i'm a shipbuilder ...
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

snogpule: cheer up, jack! i'm alright!
the greatest mountain in the world

crun: it's not a request stop.
the last tram (from clapham)

eccles: i’ll get that ministry of fishery job, you watch.
the jet-propelled guided naafi

seagoon: i resign!!
the sinking of westminster pier

greenslade: resignation forms are now available.
robin's post

seagoon: next year, folks, i hope to give up 1958 permanently.
the battle of spion kop

grytpype-thynne: will you stop that revolting buttock-scratching?
the sahara desert statue

moriarty: ah, lord seagoon… your humble ...
the nadger plague

grytpype thynne: fool! that sort of thing is only for the rich.
the call of the west

bloodnok: "sorry eccles, i meant to hit seagoon."
the dreaded piano clubber

seagoon: but surely there’s room for you both.
the spectre of tintagel

crun: i'm trapped behind a rosewood piano, min.
the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

bluebottle: you rotten swines!
nineteen eighty-five

bluebottle: you rotten workmen swine, you!
the last tram (from clapham)

bluebottle: you rotten horse swine!
dishonoured - again

bluebottle: you rotten swine, eccles!
the end or confessions of a secret sennapod drinker

bluebottle: i'm not deaded this week!
six ingots of leadenhall street

bluebottle: you rotten swines (mumble) ...
the pevensey bay disaster

bluebottle: you rotten swine, you! i was hiding in the cannon!
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

moriarty: and here is something for you.
tales of montmatre

scientist: did it look round?
wings over dagenham

grytpype-thynne: you’re right, it is rubbish.
the sale of manhattan (the lost colony)

grytpype thynne: with the aid of this war-surplus piano ...
the burning embassy

narrator: and finally with a piece of string.
the histories of pliny the elder

grytpype-thynne: the empty stomach in this rag waistcoat belongs to none other than count ‘rumbles’ ... moriarty!
the seagoon memoirs

bloodnok: well, there’s no point in running away from anyone else, is there, i mean ...
the man who never was (first version)

bloodnok: well, there’s no point in running away from anyone else, is there?
the man who never was

bloodnok: sabrina in the bath?
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

eccles: but they said they were giving me the sack.
the last goon show of all

seagoon: you’re a sailor ... and sailors don’t care.
the histories of pliny the elder

grytpype-thynne: for a fee of 1/6d, we can salvage you!
the rent collectors

eccles: it was taken without a camera, you know.
western story

spriggs: i can see you didn't come from sardines, jeeeem!
the histories of pliny the elder

seagoon: not to mention sardines and kippers!
the sahara desert statue

grytpype-thynne: go and get the sardine tins and oil yourself.
the great bank robbery

moriarty: then no one will saw it except me ...
emperor of the universe

bloodnok: do you play the saxophone?
foiled by president fred

crun: you left them on your saxophone.
foiled by president fred

bannister: why do I have to have a jet of green steam up my saxophone?
the terrible revenge of fred fu-manchu

seagoon: take that scented rose from behind your ear and hand me that woollen microphone.
'round the world in 80 days

bailiff: and if you’ll stand for him, you’ll stand for anything.
the phantom head shaver (of brighton)

eccles: it’s on holiday as well.
insurance, the white man's burden

grytpype-thynne: stop that revolting scratching will you count.
ned's atomic dustbin

bloodnok: nurse! oh nurse!
the great statue debate

bloodnok: now gentlemen ...
the tale of men's shirts

seagoon: segregate the sinful sexes!
tales of old dartmoor

bloodnok: well now colonel, i suppose you're wondering why you sent for me ...
the shifting sands

lalkaka: will you kindly remain in a condition of serenity and calm.
the red fort

eccles: having a good time!
the greatest mountain in the world

eccles: i just dived in the serpentine.
the greatest mountain in the world

seagoon: where am i?
napoleon's piano

bluebottle: sideways through the sewers of the strand.
ten snowballs that shook the world

grytpype thynne: with or without?
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

crun: if you must sing, sing a shanty!
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

lalkaka: how can a man be that shape and live?
world war one

bloodnok: ohh! it’s sheikh rattle and roll!
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

bloodnok: he's dressed like a shepherd.
the collapse of the british rail sandwich system

eccles: it must be shepherd’s bush.
the mustard and cress shortage

bloodnok: a shepherd’s pie!
the man who never was

eccles: i'd better take my shoes off ...
the junk affair

moriarty: tell me, little nation of shopkeepers ...
the man who won the war (aka seagoon mcc)

seagoon: the short cowboy!
the end or confessions of a secret sennapod drinker

bloodnok: shutup seagoon and here's a record of me saying it.
the fear of wages

flowerdew: shut up, you! it was perfectly quiet until you came along!
the histories of pliny the elder

flowerdew: oh, shut up! it was perfectly quiet ’til you came along.
the histories of pliny the elder

bloodnok: and i don’t speak a word of ‘side’
the history of communications

seagoon: i'm guilty.
the great bank robbery

crun: it's not as simple as that.
the fireball of milton street

crun: let that be a lesson to you!
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

seagoon: people could climb up the sides and save themselves from drowning.
the greatest mountain in the world

bannister: it's nice of you to think of my skull!
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

willum: i was sleeping on the joe in the garden ...
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

milligan: what is the price of sliced ham, per portion?
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

milligan: could you tell me the price of sliced ham, per portion?
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

greenslade: we would like to announce that this was smogpule’s farewell appearance.
the giant bombardon

seagoon: come down off the top deck!
the last tram (from clapham)

seagoon: splendid! ring again tomorrow and we'll have another game.
the gold plate robbery

seagoon: you been practicin'?
the gold plate robbery

bloodnok: that got rid of him.
the gold plate robbery

eccles: oh tres ben tres ben!
the gold plate robbery

seagoon: you ragged idiot, we're playing poker!
king solomon's mines

bannister: i'm mending your socks, henry!
ten snowballs that shook the world

eccles: my socks keep coming down ...
the string robberies

(with apologies to poor old ivor novello)
we'll gather lilacs in the spring again
and walk together down an english lane
until our hearts have learned to sing again
when you come home once more
and in the evening by the firelight's glow
you'll hold me close and never let me go
your eyes will tell me all i want to know
when you come home once more
the £50 cure

poet: brodley-on-cleat, by ripple slip-ed gyzee den.
the vanishing room

moriarty: so rich ...
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

grytpype-thynne: no good saying sorry when you're sorry!
ten snowballs that shook the world

grytpype-thynne: i've heard that somewhere before ...
the pam's paper insurance policy

seagoon: let me talk to him ...
the battle of spion kop

german officer: there are no subtitles ...
the tale of men's shirts

crun: are you a policeman?
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

clang
the call of the west

greenslade: the other five were mr secombe.
the secret escritoire

crun: i see that a man was sponned last night.
spon

bluebottle: where's my spoon?
the great british revolution

grytpype-thynne: he's up the spout.
the flea

bloodnok: minnie, i’m taking you away from the squalor that you live in ...
the telephone

grytpype-thynne: listen little square pudding.
wings over dagenham

seagoon: not when the train is standing in the station.
the tale of men's shirts

seagoon: saved by steam!
the thing on the mountain

moriarty: ah, the wonders of the steam age!
the spectre of tintagel

seagoon: gad! the wonders of the steam age!
the spectre of tintagel

seagoon: by saint george, you drive me hard, sir!
the whistling spy enigma

seagoon: by saint george! saved! yes!
napoleon's piano

bluebottle: merry christmas and custard to you all.
a christmas carol

eccles: it's a good job for you i can't spell!
the man who never was

eccles: well it's a good thing for you i can't spell.
the man who never was (first version)

bloodnok: yes! which way did it go?
the last goon show of all

grytpype-thynne: tell them the story, count.
scradje

bluebottle: strain!!!
the rent collectors

bluebottle: i stared at them with my undefeatable power of eyes look.
the macreekie rising of '74

grytpype-thynne: do you mind if i have a strange request?
tales of old dartmoor

seagoon: you overpaid word strangler!
under two floorboards

grytpype-thynne: now, what are you doing in paris?
the white neddie trade

eccles: do you know lord stromboli?
what's my line?

bloodnok: i shall be glad when my ten years subscription runs out.
the great regent's park swim

crun: has the hon min any suggestions?
the africa ship canal

crun: the rain is lovely and warm.
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

crun: i shall always wear it.
the great bank robbery

bloodnok: they can't get rid of their surplus idiots on me, you know.
tales of old dartmoor

macchisholm: we’ve got the whole of england surrounded by water.
the macreekie rising of '74

seagoon: do you think they suspect him?
the spanish suitcase

magistrate: did the prisoner swear?
the rent collectors

moriarty: you swine of a swine!
queen anne's rain

hern: tales of men’s shirts (a story of down under)!
the tale of men's shirts

eccles: oh! your daddy must have had a talk with you then.
the plasticine man

constabule: but don't worry my dear, i'll stand by you.
the rent collectors

eccles: i thought it was a spider in a tartan sweater.
the white neddie trade

grytpype-thynne: you’re in the unemployment lark as well, are you?
the plasticine man

seagoon: taxi!
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

bannister: let's all have some indian - tea!
ten snowballs that shook the world

bannister: oh dear, oh dear, lost his, lost his teeth ...
the man who won the war (aka seagoon mcc)

moriarty: for the benefit of people without television ...
napoleon's piano

seagoon: no fighting please, you intellectual gentlemen.
wings over dagenham

grytpype-thynne: only ten whats? you're not very bright are you?
the moon show

bloodnok: a tenor's friend.
the yehti

seagoon: oh, i'm terribly sorry ...
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

grytpype-thynne: 'tf'?
what's my line?

seagoon: thanks.
napoleon's piano

bannister: the cat wants to go out!
the rent collectors

lalkaka: missy give him three pints daily!
the man who never was

lakagee: what will be the end of me!
the red fort

bloodnok: a quantity i specialize in.
world war one

seagoon: i'll write to the times about this!
the pevensey bay disaster

seagoon: i’ll write to the times about this.
the hastings flyer - robbed

seagoon: ye traitor, thynne! i’ll write to the times about this.
robin hood

grytpype-thynne: damned impertinence! take a letter to the editor of the times.
the spectre of tintagel

son of mad mullah: open up, or i’ll write to the times.
six charlies in search of an author

seagoon: i shall write to the times about this.
the histories of pliny the elder

crun: no ... no, you can't get it ...
the white box of great bardfield

grytpype-thynne: i quote from this plasticene monument of gilbert harding ...
the great bank robbery

seagoon: on bloodnok's advice ...
the international christmas pudding

crun: and then we’d better rub some thin people’s herbs into our legs.
spon

eidelburger: i vill just add a dash of thin peoples herbs ...
the great regent's park swim

crun: the thin people’s radios.
the stolen postman

bloodnok: it’s thirsty work, this drinking, you know.
the fear of wages

oh well, just a thought.
at last the go on show

seagoon: thank you, miss throat.
the last tram (from clapham)

spriggs: one morning i woke up and there were monkeys on my knees.
the tale of men's shirts

eccles: give us a tune.
operation christmas duff ( special )

grytpype-thynne: his black ones are at the menders.
the white box of great bardfield

eccles: what other tiger's got two pairs of boots to wear?
the white box of great bardfield

spriggs: why are you wearing legs, jeeeem?
the £1,000,000 penny

crun: he had to put 'em in cardboard boxes ...
the white box of great bardfield

eccles: oh! what a bit of luck!
the greatest mountain in the world

eccles: there’s ... something moving on de end of my foot.
the telephone

seagoon: what are those lumps at the bottom of the foothills?
the shifting sands

seagoon: nonsense. you’re just the right age.
the mummified priest

eccles: a tree fell on 'im.
the moriarty murder mystery

eccles: i talk to the trees ...
foiled by president fred

eccles: i talk to the trees ...
napoleon's piano

grytpype-thynne: and they suit you ...
the great bank robbery

moriarty: we must retreat otherwise the british will lose.
search for rommel's treasure

eccles: my trousers!
the junk affair

bannister: i always play by ear, henry.
the lost year

bluebottle: it says here in small print.
the moriarty murder mystery

bluebottle: salutes with truncheon.
the moriarty murder mystery

moriarty: end truss torture ... today!
the last goon show of all

seagoon: is it on the tube?
the affair of the lone banana

spriggs: wait a minute, jeeeem. this is a square. tuesday is oblong.
the great regent's park swim

bloodnok: great spladdocks of crab!
the treasure in the tower

grytpype-thynne: you silly twisted boy!
the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

grytpype-thynne: you silly twisted boy, you ...
the whistling spy enigma

seagoon: yes?
the yehti

seagoon: there. how's that?
the white box of great bardfield

grytpype-thynne: you silly twisted boy, you.
the spanish suitcase

seagoon: i don't wish to know that!
the fireball of milton street

eccles: you be careful what you say to me, i got an uncle in australia.
the sleeping prince

bannister: well henry, you heard what he said.
dishonoured - again

eccles: here! what was that big explosion?
six charlies in search of an author

seagoon: i haven’t worn underpants for three years.
wings over dagenham

eccles: where did you get dat nice uniform?
the sleeping prince

seagoon: without those plans britain would never be able to build another union jack?
the shifting sands

grytpype-thynne: the unkindest cut of all.
the last goon show of all

bloodnok: all dennis' unmentionables, that's all.
the spanish suitcase

bloodnok: that's an unsound mind!
the internal mountain

eccles: it's what you got up here that matters ...
the whistling spy enigma

eccles: i was upstairs.
the mummified priest

bannister: you must excuse the mess, sir.
the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

greenslade: as usual, england is on the verge of war with somebody or other.
the choking horror

grytpype-thynne: patriotic volunteer.
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

gryptype-thynne: do you want to wake the government up?
the junk affair

seagoon: wales, glorious wales!
the booted gorilla

spriggs: i'm walking backwards for christmas!
the great tuscan salami scandal

spriggs: i'm walking backwards for christmas!
the treasure of loch lomond

eccles: right! hold tight!
the pevensey bay disaster

eccles: get on the wall and hold tight.
the hastings flyer - robbed

willum: i noticed they kept walloping me on the 'ead.
the missing prime minister

willum: i noticed they kept wallopin’ me on the ’ead.
the missing ten downing street

grytpype-thynne: look what has happened to poor uncle harry ...
the rent collectors

little jim: he's fallen in da water ...
the call of the west

little jim: he's fallen in da water ...
the junk affair

little jim: he's fallen in da water ...
the missing battleship

bluebottle: i can't see where i'm going ...
ill met by goonlight

little jim: he's fallen in da water again!
the curse of frankenstein

seagoon: now you can put the lid on.
the histories of pliny the elder

eccles: good king wenceslaus.
the string robberies

spike: well ... we shall see.
the internal mountain

wolfit: listeners are possibly wondering what this is all about.
the mustard and cress shortage

spike: well ... we shall see.
the collapse of the british rail sandwich system

seagoon: i'm not looking for whales the fish.
drums across the mersey

bannister: what is lurgi?
lurgi strikes britain

crun: there’s another thing i want to know. what is lurgi?
lurgi strikes britain

bluebottle: what time is it, eccles?
the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

seagoon: whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?!

seagoon: i've gone broody.
the junk affair

grytpype-thynne: look, please don't do that full face!
the great bank robbery

seagoon: whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?!
the sale of manhattan (the lost colony)

seagoon: whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?!
world war one

grytpype-thynne: do you mind facing west when you do that?
six charlies in search of an author

seagoon: which one of you two is mr crun?
the man who won the war (aka seagoon mcc)

mate: ’ere. ’ere, ’oo runged the whitehall-1-2-1-2, mate?
what's my line?

eccles: what about dat good old good one, whitehall-1-2-1-2?
what's my line?

singhiz: which do you desire, o'wicked one?
dishonoured - again

bannister: speak to me, henry. speak to me about your will.
the missing boa constrictor

sellers: winds light to variable.
the greenslade story

eccles: winds light to variable.
the greenslade story

bloodnok: now, i shall tell these turbaned wogs of brown who’s master of this oasis.
the nasty affair at the burami oasis

spriggs: then we've won!
the junk affair

crun: you can't get the wood!
the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

crun: it's alright, i can't get the wood.
the white box of great bardfield

moriarty: what if they find us ... work?
the plasticine man

seagoon: people will think we're workmen.
the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

crun: i shall never learn to play the ex-eyelophone.
the moriarty murder mystery

moriarty: unimportant minister extraordinary to the republic of yacabaku.
the sleeping prince

spriggs: we can’t give jobs to any tom, dick, or harry seagoon.
the sleeping prince

mcchisholm: i couldn't remember any more of the words!
wings over dagenham

willum: and them’s all his own words too, you know.
insurance, the white man's burden

seagoon: ying-tong-iddle-i-po!
the whistling spy enigma

moriarty: this means the end ...
wings over dagenham

seagoon: foiled by zoom pills.
the moriarty murder mystery

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start: free (and not so-free) advertising ...

to the home of the goon show preservation society

join the goon show preservation society

then: a selection of goon cds from auntie beeb fixed up by ted kendall for your aural pleasure and presented in no particular order ...

featuring: four show volume(s)

volume 34
the moon show

tales of old dartmoor

the sleeping prince

robin hood

the moon show

volume 33
'round the world in eighty days

foiled by president fred

personal narrative

'round the world in eighty days

the missing boa constrictor

volume 32
the scarlet capsule

forog

the six ingots of leadenhall street

the tale of men's shirts

the scarlet capsule (aka quatermass o.b.e.)

volume 31
the starlings

the starlings

the missing scroll

nineteen eighty-five (remake)

the man who won the war (aka seagoon mcc)

volume 30
well known in concentric circles

dishonoured, or the fall of neddie seagoon

the dreaded batter-pudding hurler - 2nd edition

the hastings flyer

china story (earl's court special)

volume 29
we're in the wrong house again

the thing on the mountain

the collapse of the british rail sandwich system

the great statue debate

the silver doubloons

volume 28
the indigestion waltz

the great regent's park swim

the space age

the policy

the stolen postman

volume 27
check the yuckabakaka gauges

the greatest mountain in the world

the kippered herring gang

the first albert memorial to the moon

robin's post

volume 26
bank statement no. 349

the lost year

the great bank of england robbery

the siege of fort night

the chinese legs

volume 25
the internal mountain

the fireball of milton street

the end or confessions of a secret sennapod drinker

the terrible revenge of fred fu-manchu

the internal mountain

volume 24
the case of the missing heir

the case of the missing heir

the secret escritoire

the dreaded piano clubber

the pam's paper insurance policy

volume 23
the collapse of the british rail sandwich system

the collapse of the british railway sandwich system

the lost gold mine (of charlotte)

the canal

the house of teeth

volume 22
the booted gorilla

the booted gorilla

the sale of manhattan (the lost colony)

the choking horror

the ink shortage

volume 21
the missing battleship

the junk affair

the burning embassy

the missing battleship

ten snowballs that shook the world

volume 20
the fear of wages

the fear of wages

the nadger plague

the great british revolution

the sahara desert statue

volume 19
ned's atomic dustbin

shangri-la again

the pevensey bay disaster

the spectre of tintagel

ned's atomic dustbin

volume 18
and more guests

volume 17
the silent buglar

the reason why

the treasure in the tower

the plasticene man

the silent bugler

volume 16
the goon show and guests

spon

the curse of frankenstein

who is pink oboe?

the £50 cure

volume 15
the goons at christmas

ye bandit of sherwood forest

the mighty wurlitzer

operation christmas duff

a christmas carol

volume 14
needle nardle noo!

the childe harolde rewarde

queen anne's rain

the battle of spion kop

the gold plate robbery

volume 13
it's all in the mind you know!

the moriarty murder mystery

king solomon's mines

the £1,000,000 penny

the vanishing room

volume 12
shut up, eccles!

the phantom head shaver (of brighton)

the lost emperor

drums along the mersey

the mummified priest

volume 11
he's fallen in the water

the string robberies

the white neddie trade

the spon plague

the mountain eaters

volume 10
you can't get the wood you know?

the white box of great barfield

tales of montmartre

the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons

the great bank robbery

volume 9
what time is it, eccles?

under two floorboards - a story of the legion

the sinking of westminster pier

the yehti

the mysterious punch-up-the-conker

volume 8
you have deaded me again!

the greatest mountain in the world

the mystery of the marie celeste (solved)

the spanish suitcase

the last tram (from clapham)

volume 7
ying tong-iddle-i-po!

the whistling spy enigma

the affair of the lone banana

the great tuscan salami scandal (musician's strike)

scradje

volume 6
have a gorilla

search for rommel's treasure

ill met by goonlight

i was monty's treble

the seagoon memoirs

volume 5
and there's more where that came from!

the call of the west (aka goon law)

the last smoking seagoon

nineteen eighty-five

shifting sands

volume 4
my knees have fallen off!

the man who never was

the case of the missing cd plates

world war one

the nasty affair at the burami oasis

volume 3
i'm walking backwards for christmas

the treasure of loch lomond

the greenslade story

wings over dagenham

the rent collectors

volume 2
enter bluebottle ...

lurgi strikes britain

the international christmas pudding

napoleon's piano

the flea

volume 1
moriarty, where are you?

the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill on sea)

the histories of pliny the elder

the jet-propelled guided naafi

the evils of bushey spon

featuring: the last goon show of all

special
the last goon show of all

the last goon show of all

at last, the go on show (a documentary)

featuring: compendium(s)

volume 14
the goon show compendium volume 14

volume 13
the goon show compendium volume 13

volume 12
the goon show compendium volume 12

volume 11
the goon show compendium volume 11

series 9 part 2 and series 10: dishonoured - again, the scarlet capsule, the tay bridge, the gold plate robbery, the £50 cure, a christmas carol, the tale of men's shirts, the chinese leg, robin's post, the silver doubloons, & the last smoking seagoon

volume 10
the goon show compendium volume 10

series 9 part 1: the sahara desert statue, i was monty's treble, the £1,000,000 penny, the pam's paper insurance policy, the mountain eaters, the childe harolde rewarde, the seagoon memoirs, queen anne's rain, the battle of spion kop, ned's atomic dustbin, who is pink oboe?, & the call of the west

volume 9
the goon show compendium volume 9

vintage goons: the mummified priest, the greatest mountain in the world, the giant bombardon, the kippered herring gang, the vanishing room, the ink shortage, the mustard and cress shortage, the internal mountain, the silent buglar, the great bank of england robbery, the dreaded piano clubber, the siege of fort night, & the albert memorial

volume 8
the goon show compendium volume 8

series 8 part 2: the string robberies, the moriarty murder mystery, the curse of frankenstein, the white neddie trade, ten snowballs that shook the world, the man who never was, world war one, the spon plague, tiddleywinks, the evils of bushey spon, & the great statue debate

volume 7
the goon show compendium volume 7

series 8 part 1: spon, the junk affair, the burning embassy, the great regent's park swim, the treasure in the tower, the space age, the red fort, the missing battleship, the policy, king solomon's mines, the stolen postman, the great british revolution, the plasticine man, african incident, & the thing on the mountain

volume 6
the goon show compendium volume 6

series 7 part 2: emperor of the universe, wings over dagenham, the rent collectors, shifting sands, the moon show, the mysterious punch-up-the-conker, 'round the world in 80 days, insurance, the white man's burden, the africa ship canal, ill met by goonlight, the missing boa constrictor, the histories of pliny the elder, & the reason why

volume 5
the goon show compendium volume 5

series 7 part 1: the nasty affair at the burami oasis, drums along the mersey, the nadger plague, the spectre of tintagel, the sleeping prince, the great bank robbery, personal narrative, the mystery of the fake neddie seagoons, what's my line?, robin hood, the telephone, the flea, six charlies in search of an author, & operation christmas duff

volume 4
the goon show compendium volume 4

series 6 part 2: the hastings flyer - robbed, the mighty wurlitzer, the raid of the international christmas pudding, the tales of montmartre, the jet-propelled guided naafi, the house of teeth, tales of old dartmoor, the choking horror, the great tuscan salami scandal, the treasure in the lake (aka the treasure of loch lomond), fear of the wages (aka the fear of wages), scradje, the man who never was, china story, & the goons hit wales

volume 3
the goon show compendium volume 3

series 6 part 1: the man who won the war (aka seagoon mcc), the secret escritoire, the lost emperor, napoleon's piano, the case of the missing cd plates, search for rommel's treasure, foiled by president fred, shangri-la again, the international christmas pudding, the pevensey bay disaster, the sale of manhattan (aka the lost colony), the terrible revenge of fred fu-manchu, the lost year, & the greenslade story

volume 2
the goon show compendium volume 2

series 5 part 2: ye bandit of sherwood forest, nineteen eighty-five, the case of the missing heir, china story, under two floorboards - a story of the legion, the missing scroll, nineteen eighty-five (remake), the sinking of westminster pier, the fireball of milton street, the six ingots of leadenhall street, yehti, the white box of great barfield, and the end or confessions of a secret sennapod drinker

volume 1
the goon show compendium volume 1

series 5 part 1: the whistling spy enigma, the lost gold mine (of charlotte), the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea), the phantom head shaver (of brighton), the affair of the lone banana, the canal, lurgi strikes britain! (aka lurgi strikes again), the mystery of the marie celeste (solved), the last tram (from clapham), the booted gorilla (found?), the spanish suitcase, dishonoured or the fall of neddie seagoon, & forog

featuring: classics

volume 2
goon show classics

the jet-propelled guided naafi

the evils of bushey spon

volume 1
goon show classics

the histories of pliny the elder

the dreaded batter pudding hurler (of bexhill-on-sea)

featuring: golden age

part 1
the goon show series 4

the history of communications

the toothpaste expedition

western story

the great bank of england robbery

featuring: some unchaining ...

unchained melodies—the complete recordings

unchained melodies - unchained melody, dance with me henry (wallflower), bluebottle blues, i'm walking backwards for christmas, ying tong song, bloodnok's rock'n'roll call, you gotta go oww, my september love, i love you, eeh ah oh ooh, whistle your cares away, russian love song, raspberry song, rhymes

1) unchained melody, 2) dance with me henry (wallflower), 3) bluebottle blues, 4) i'm walking backwards for christmas, 5) ying tong song, 6) bloodnok's rock'n'roll call, 7) you gotta go oww, 8) my september love, 9) i love you, 10) eeh ah oh ooh, 11) whistle your cares away, 12) russian love song, 13) raspberry song, 14) rhymes

the famous messenger, the greek goonican, who came from the great warlord, arnold princiopolies. 300 leagues he ran! over the ionicous, down the plains of olympus, through the snowy wastes of sabrina, across the arid deserts of xerxes and he did swim the boiling waters of the hellispont ...

the world shortage of toothpaste grows more acute every day but commander berk's expedition has gone astray. apparently their compass was faulty. it was a perfectly good christmas cracker they got it out of. ‘q: when is a door not a door? a: when it's ajar.’ guarantees like that cannot be easily dismissed.

there is consternation in the basement of the disused fish squirting factory when the right (and left) honourable sir hairy seagoon announces his intention of going one better than sir edmund hillary.

the story begins in hell—clapham junction tea buffet where a middle class englishman courageously asks to be served. but where have all the mustard and cress sandwiches gone?

continued on page 63: the tale of a hardened killer, henry ‘drain’ crun, a lone wolf married to his gun.

a world overshadowed with doubts, fears, uncertainty. of indo-china, the suez, cyprus, east and west german strife, the h-bomb explosion, and yet to come the unbelievable power of the cobalt bomb. but our own governors are not unaware of these dangers. at this moment, the house of commons are debating serious matters: there are far too many starlings in trafalgar square ...

with the aid of smoked-glass ear trumpet and reconditioned head is captain hairy seagoon, specially selected for a specially dangerous mission.

neddie is bound for the americas on board the ss filthmuck—registered at lloyd's as a dustbin—with a treasure map in his ankle pocket.

who would have the temerity to hurl no less than 38 batter puddings at minnie bannister? (i met her on the stairs once.) struck from behind, too—is nothing sacred?

the first victim is a certain nugent dirt who, on his honeymoon night, suddenly becomes bald!

at the british passport office in whitehall, seagoon discovers young fred nurke has left for south america on a banana boat—disguised as a banana.

neddie's schooling is nearly complete—after forty-three years—but now that he's home he must promise to never never go near the oily waters of ... the canal.

the government is pouring millions into neddie's scheme for saving the country (and where have we heard that before?) and what's more, on this fateful day, a disease was invented that has now become a part of the british way of life!

off they sail to solve a famous nautical puzzle. but what is the mystery of the hms gladys? pull up a bollard ...

on april 5, 1952, london's last tram rolled into the depot. but have all the trams been melted down and made into melted down trams?

could it be significant in a story about a booted gorilla, eccles is wearing no socks or shoes? will this clue bear feet?

olé! neddie seagoon, exhausted by a night of sensuous morris dancing, finds himself encasseroled in a madrid jail. olé!

falling into the abyss of shame, young neddie seagoon becomes the confidant of the notorious scourge of the north west frontier—the dreaded red bladder!

neddie seagoon tries to thwart an underground terrorist organisation intent on wrecking the capital's commercial life by blanketing london with an artificial foreign fog that makes people think nothing but the best of each other.

bluebottle enters clad in a doublet made from mum's old drawers. he attempts to free his master, robin hood, but will he be deaded first?

into this grave new world strides our orwellian hero, winston seagoon, prepared to take all that big brother corporation can throw at him.

neddie has a birthmark in the lining of his hat—it's the royal mark of the dimburghers! he's the rightful heir to the throne.

‘raffles’ seagoon, a swaggering racketeer and part-time dustman, was approached by mandarin grytpype-thynne and general kashmaichek to join them in the most staggering international financial coup of all time.

this is no geste—neddie is alone in the desert with only the position of the sun to tell him it's still daytime.

the director of the bbc home service learns by stealth that the ancient babylonian scroll of purdum—the beginning of all music—has been found by a half-witted syrian dustman in a cave in the valley of the euphrates.

the action takes place in an open air swimming bath in woodmansterne and on the grass verge of the great north road. this play is unsuitable for human beings, young horses, and alderman john snagge.

t'was the month of february in nineteen fifty-five, when the valuable pier at westminster suddenly took a dive!

what's become of that crispy bacon we had before the war, eh? what's become of it? so brown! so crisp! with that lovely firm layer of white fat. ooooh! what's become of it, eh? answer me! what's become of that crisp bacon we had before the war?

a newly bored tunnel, running from the bank's strong room to a mysterious string factory on wanstead flats, leads detective inspector seagoon into a maze of tangled clues.

it's a piece of cake: yehti tracks have been discovered in yorkshire where the drifts are 15 feet high and snow is expected.

what is this chain-covered charlie in the gutter? it's neddie seagoon, son of houdini, and he's got his shackles in a twist.

it's the year skrimpson skrampson and two and ned seagoon has fallen victim to sennapod addiction.

drafted into the armed forces at the outbreak of the last great war to end all wars, young neddie seagoon, a civilian part-time dustman (see beerstains round my trouser tops, bidley bonce, 4/6d) found himself unable to face the task of sharing a barrack-room with other men (see i was fred nurke's batwoman price 16/6d at all good chemists).

every cupboard in grytpype's house is filled with pattern books, each of which would make a complete suit for a man three inches tall. but where in the world can they find men so small?

as a safety precaution, dr fred fu-manchu has tattooed the entire inscription on the back of grytpype-thynne's false teeth.

tricked by the cunning moriarty and grytpype-thynne into moving a piano from one room to another for £5, neddie sets off in the hold of a cross-channel steamer.

a steamroller in regent street makes a lasting impression on neddie seagoon and his nickel plated bagpipes: it runs over them both.

the story of jim rommel, fred hitler, private eccles, and the search for the elusive black box.

neddie seagoon of the south balham gas board goes overseas to collect an outstanding debt of four pounds, nineteen shillings and sixpence.

lost horizontally and existing only on a handful of caviar and champagne seagoon and company stumble upon the land of eternal spotty youth.

will neddie give all his money to the next two men to swim the english channel or to an expedition to capture the great international christmas pudding?

it's the night of the great english blizzard and moriarty plans to derail the hastings flyer, blow open the mail van, and snatch the bullion. only engine driver seagoon and trainspotter bluebottle can foil the plot.

with the trinkets in his pocket (a piece of brown string, elevenpence in notes, a mickey mouse watch, the remains of a small boiled chicken, and a lifesize statue of sabrina) neddie plans to buy back new york, and sets sail across the atlantic in a zinc bathtub.

bloodnok placed an advertisement in the paper, ‘wanted—money! no reasonable offer refused.’ but will england's saxophones ever be safe from his fiendish exploding finger?

the year 1956 is missing! seagoon scours the length and longth of england, looking to buy a cheap calendar.

the story of wallace greenslade, who, seeking refuge from hard work, became a bbc announcer by stealing eccles' immortal line, ‘winds light to variable!’

owing to a severe outbreak of hand-typing on his snow plough, neddie seagoon, engine driver extraordinary, has been foiled in his valiant attempt to clear the line between hastings and pevensey bay for the hastings flyer.

seagoon warms up with two laps of reg dixon's blackpool nights medley and selects twelfth street rag, the fastest tune in the world, for his world record run.

the feathered non-saxophone-playing senapati tribesmen have stolen a recording of the only victory they have ever had over the british and are playing it on the red bladder radio station.

here is neddie toulouse-lautrec, the famous french impressionist (all right; do al jolson!). time is short and so is he.

what is the liquid that most inspires the british soldier while on active duty? tea! naffi tea!

but is the castle the safe refuge it first appears? and what does the owner, dr longdongler, need with a skull mallet and a teeth bucket?

there was warder seagoon working his fingers to the bone, sweeping out empty cells, oiling unused locks, polishing handcuffs and giving transfusions to bloodhounds! and never a word of thanks. but where could he get convicts?

tower bridge has developed strange follicular growths. working through the night in his laboratory, dr seagoon discovers the growths are hair!

the plot involves two missing diplomats, burgess and mcteeth, inter-breeding male and female salami for use as guided missiles, and other nefarious activities behind the 'spaghetti curtain'.

no so fast: neddie feels faint, henry's sporran gets soggy, and bluebottle arrives via the bathroom tap.

burma 1956—the fourteenth year that the fourth armoured thunderboxes have been fighting the japanese, major bloodnok having decided that jim mountbatten's 1945 communiqué was clearly the work of a practical joker.

a saga of mysterious boot explosions caused by a weakening in britain's deposits of scradje, a substance found below the earth's surface which radiates upwards thus preventing boots from exploding.

it was christmas night in shanghai and neddie was told to go to the tea-house of the august goon, and when he arrived there, to knock six thousand times and ask for ah-pong.

‘i can see you didn't come from sardines, jeeeem!’

the british garrison will be too tired for the upcoming football match if the attacks by sheikh rattle and roll go unchecked.

the hon nedward seagoon learns via the personal columns that he stands to inherit a million pounds if he contacts messrs mchairy mclegs, scotland.

it was in the year 1656 that the dreaded nadger plague swept across europe like the dreaded nadger plague of 1656.

the great hairy caber of the clan macreekie, symbol of scottish power and manhood, has been stolen by the reeking non-hairy sassenach english!

king arthur seagoon is on the trail of the tintagel treasure. led on by ghostly music, he's struck down on the old welsh nut before he can prove he's a direct descendent of morte d'arthur.

ed hurn is covering the dire situation in the republic of yacabaku where newly-selected president neddie tom dick harry seagoon is facing rumours of a coup.

wanted: one horse-hair stuffed zeppelin disguised as the 7:20 train to bradford with crun's bank attached and going in the direction of up!

a ship, identified as dutch by the clogs it is wearing, threatens to sabotoge the british fleet. its destruction is entrusted to captain neddie seagoon, r.n. in command of hms resolute.

to find the genuine neddie, they must sift through the rubbish, remove centuries of puns and grime, and discover who signed the bottom left corner.

mr ‘eddie kneecroon’ reveals a gift for melody, ‘the famous’ eccles plays the telephone in e-flat, & major bloodnok needs the number of a good tailor as he's trapped in a phonebox, naked.

a sensual pleasure loving devil, one henry albert sebastopol queen victoria crun, wants a black telephone. the job of installing it falls to lineman neddie seagoon who arrives at crun's house only to find he's moved to 17a africa.

it's 1665 (‘good heavens! i'll miss my bus!’) and samuel pepys unwittingly finds himself embroiled in a devious plot to extract damages from his majesty's government for flea bites administered to moriarty.

‘hello! who are you, you two characters? stop! stop i say!’ ‘it's a copper.’ ‘i'm not a policeman!‘ ’i beg your pardon, madam.’ ‘i'm not a policewoman, either!’ ‘i say, you're cutting it rather fine, aren't you?’

acting foreign secretary gives bulldog seagoon his first case: the mysterious disappearance of englishmen. twenty-five million have disappeared and it's because of eggs ...

neddie accidentally invents the hairyplane whilst building a mangle. the air ministry (‘how are you off for air?’) try it and it tastes fine—beautifully cooked.

sentenced to hang for dripping without due care & attention, neddie was on his way via the canal to death grange, slaughter hill to collect £8,000 11s 4d in rent arrears.

lieutenant seagoon sets fire to his socks and sets out hot foot. but the fort is built on shifting sands and is already on the move.

at auction, neddie outbids all his opponents and the moon is his! but is it the genuine moon? we doubt this programme will tell you.

loosen your gentleman's supports for elderly couples—there's been a fresh outbreak of up-the-conk punching.

this gripping tale on which no money has been spared is presented for the first time entirely in glorious sponcolour on the new wide screen secombe.

neddie has been given the deed to the english channel—le channel englais—but he's had to insure it for eighteen shillings. now to set if on fire and collect the forty-eight thousand nicker!

grytpype-thynne and moriarty try to bury the new canal across africa - for aeroplanes - so they can restore the moriarty zeppelin service to full schedule.

with aid of the new steam-leather microphone we can tell the remarkable story of lieutenant seagoon's mission to crete to capture some naughty-type germans.

it's rather difficult to see how a boa constrictor fits into this story since it's about the building of a new inner ring road for the city of birmingham.

q: ‘would you care to join us?’ a: ‘why? are you coming apart?’ and the goons prove that that joke was going strong in roman times.

who will win the archery contest? will the sheriff of nottingham capture robin hood? how does robin hood escape from the dungeon dark dank and donk?

the minister for military-type foods is forced to disclose that the picture regarding christmas pudding for the forces overseas looks pretty black. (‘black pudding?’ i hear you cry!)

1876 and all's well. not quite all, actually. a large hole has appeared in the thames embankment wall and people are falling through it. parliament is in turmoil.

it's three in the morning and two in the afternoon (making it a grand total of five in the evening) and a finchley child of no fixed trousers bears all the marks of a severe sponning.

in the cellars beneath the house of commons two masked men wearing leather wigs have tampered with the bank of england's official wooden safe.

the british embassy in old peking is ablaze. the chinese government is velly anxious that blitish flyermen should put flyer out.

england 1830. lying in a gutter is neddie seagoon—well, he does look like a liar. at the eidelburger laboratory, they're creating life from inanimate matter and have even gone so far as to create eccles!

seafaring seadog sir walter ‘neddie’ raleigh (got any fags?) smuggles out his treasure chest on the good ship venus and buries it at the tower of london where the dawn is striking midnight.

the great space age has begun. but in hailsham, neddie is still on the books as being a world war one deserter.

india 1857: capt hugh jampton had just been gazetted to the first offence fusiliers. meanwhile, mr lalkaka was speaking line three and mr lalkajee hadn't spoken line two yet.

our story begins on board britain's latest battleship, the 1902 hms boxer, where a broadcast of their favourite programme, variety awash, is now in progress.

grytpype-thynne and moriarty are looking for an idiot. as a tribute to his singing, they offer neddie a ten thousand pound life insurance policy. all he has to do to collect is to get deceased.

after a hazardous river journey the safari prepares to venture inland but by april twenty-second they've only reached february the first ...

wanted: a man for exploding. one thousand pounds offered for a genuine charlie in good condition. apply, the sultan of dirtistan.

citizen seagoon has a grudge against the rich because they sleep later. now is the time for their wake-up call—seagoon for president!

what they want is a perfect specimen of a man from the plasticine period—or a specially buried neddie seagoon just waiting to be discovered.

major spon and his men have been captured in east africa despite the efforts of lieutenant seagoon who rallied them around the white flag—‘rather than surrender, we gave ourselves up.’

one bitter winter night, all of a sudden running down the mountain comes a terror-stricken madman. it seems a monster is on the mountain—and it must be captured!

it started very simply with a man saying, ‘my socks keep coming down.’ so try the famous eccles method—stand on your head.

insp neddie seagoon of new scotland ying needs to find a murdered body and solve it or he will receive the ‘size 14 boot’.

laird red hairy mcburk has left his fortune to the first scotsman to play the bagpipes at the south pole and suddenly everyone's a piping scot.

neddie seagoon is in paris with no means of support except his national heath braces. but from his broken english they know he's a broken englishman.

the london stock exchange 1882: tin, wool, and rain are falling. water is flooding the market. and there's talk of the bank rate going up.

meanwhile, eccles appears as field marshall montgoonery, part of henry crun's plan to hoodwink the enemy. and this is where the story really starts ...

it's 1917, england and france are at war (eccles is at lunch!) but with whom? nobody knows.

national health surgeon dr seagoon is the first to catch the plague—the symptoms are bare knees.

capt jeeeem ‘groins’ moriarty has revealed the secret of rocket boots to the cambridge leaping team and john snagge may ask neddie to hand in his tiddlies.

at a meeting of the bushey spon council in the spring of 1958, the committee report on a proposed lamp post was read, having been first submitted in 1919 ...

it takes the measles ward of the battersea dogs' hospital, duels, and bluebottle in a paper bag to get the mps back to where they belong—and with a great unveiling to boot.

an ancient egyptian script, the personal narrative of an ancient priest—buried sitting down—reveals the location of the long-dead priest's gold-filled tomb.

it all starts in the basement of a disused fish-squirting factory and exploding-corset depot in alaska.

willum was gagged with a hand towel they brought from the house. the initials on the corner must mean winston churchill.—‘i 'ope so, mate!’

lieutenant seagoon of the third athlete's foot is dispatched to london for the giant leather bombardon which henry and min are building in hyde park.

when a gunman tries to shoot seagoon over the telephone, he decides to take drastic measures and cuts off the gang's supply of kippered herring.

another diabolical murder, this one in brodley-on-cleat. the room containing the body of lord cretinby and eccles ends up in bloodnok's hotel room in paris.

pen manufacturers across the land are panicking, for it is 1902 and the great ink drought has hit. the public are requested to keep calm and not fill their fountain pens unless absolutely necessary.

the story opens in the hell that londoners know as ... victoria station tea buffet. it takes a brave person to ask for something to eat or drink.

a story of high adventure, one that will blaze its way across the length and longth of great britain, ireland, scotland, wales, england, and certain parts of east acton.

it's 1902 and secret british agent capt hairy seagoon (agent x2) is off to dresden to track down russian master spy igor blimey and the most deadly agent of them all, the silent bugler.

‘fingers’ seagoon attempts to commit the greatest crime of the twentieth century—but he's stuck in a pillar box. will bluebottle still have time to enter the junior jetman's cardboard spacesuit contest?

lance-constable seagoon of long division london river police is patrolling the river when he hears a piano crash. running to the source of the noise, he finds a body in the gutter. but it might not be murder—the victim might have died from natural causes. or perhaps neither as he's not dead.

in the very liver of africa (which is much further down than the heart), fort night is under siege and can only survive for another 14 days. can henry crun and his waterproof underwater gas-stove, save the day?

when the british planetary society turns his idea down, seagoon is seized by a brilliant idea—if they won't sponsor his rocket, he'll try the albert memorial instead.

any welshmen willing to stand naked whilst hit by an a-bomb will be paid one thousand pounds.

lights, cameras, knees, teeth, corsets, action! they're going to to do the story of the film of the book of the tram—i was monty's treble (or i was a teenage werewolf's father).

the scene is a watertight alibi in chelsea, london, wc. insp tooth's grandmother, fred beattie, is dead, found under a copy of the poultry gazette—fowl play is suspected.

the scene is a pair of trembling knees in the maldives where two criminal master minds are partaking of a frugal meal ...

privileged lord debrett seagoon is on a busman's holiday (driving buses) in paris and eking out his £50 allowance. but grytpype and moriarty know that a goon and his money are soon parted.

it is 1899 and always on time. the childe harolde is plunged into a storyline of such convoluted proportions that he is mistaken for the king of england, only to find he is merely king of 23 ponge street, croydon.

gunner neddie seagoon, former ablutions orderly at alamein, has other ways of making a mint—he's writing his memoirs.

the scene is a certain place, at a certain time, in a certain year. squire seagoon seeks shelter as his horse has taken ill with a puncture.

at dawn, the british attack is mounted—not very well stuffed but beautifully mounted. the government is thinking of taking the war off as it got very bad notices in the press.

in a goatskin hut in naughty wales, painter neddie is putting the finishing touches to his plans for a nude anti-atomic dustbin.

the password is: ‘the wind is blowing through my grandmother's knees’. she ought to wear long drawers, then. (and how ever did they get this past the beeb censors?)

a story that will thrill every son-of-a-goon, starring those legendary heroes of the old west—hard riding, hard shooting, hard-up!

neddie: ‘curses, i'm spotted!’ grytpype-thynne: ‘why are you wearing that leopard's skin?’ neddie: ‘so that's why i'm spotted ...’

that great international leaper and balloonist extraordinary, le compte viscompte de compte jim ‘winds’ moriarty, known as the mantovani of piccadilly, who is heavily insured against such things.

it was a braw bricht moonlicht nicht as far as the eye could see and the teeth could chew.

let us go back to that ecstatic spring of '87: lady seagoon is in the baronial dining room, practicing for dinner, lord seagoon has been hunting, and it's time for tea. but jeeves resigns—what is to be done?

hairy kenny picks up a special £50 prescription from the national health service—he is suffering from advanced poverty. but why is he chained to holloway prison?

for some reason, the 24th of december and christmas eve have fallen on the same day this year and ned scratchit (aka seagoon) dares ask scrooge if he may go home two seconds early.

did you hear they're sending up a rocket to photograph the other side of lieutenant seagoon, from the body of the same name?

if ned of wales isn't welsh, what is his real nationality? he was born astride the chinese-british-india border and, because they were dangling over, can his legs really be chinese?

it is 1901 and at robin's post, the ancestral home of the seagoons, neddie is holding a masked ball. but this is no ordinary ball: it is gold, and as heavy as fourteen carrots, three turnips, and a mango—it's worth its weight in greens.

in a lonely sussex fishing village—in cornwall—neddie 'the famous size' seagoon is looking for treasure.

in a story of a nasty cough (what happened to that nice one?), nicotine ned of wales anticipates the government health warnings and decides to give up smoking.

at the westminster city council rubbish dump, situated in hyde park, the council has just dumped a huge amount of lagging, because ‘it was in feet and inches, and we have gone metric’.

about the goons in which we learn the origins of bluebottle; based on the voice of a tall, red-bearded scoutmaster with red knees.

«credits»

all sounds and characters from the brilliant mind of spike milligan
assisted by peter sellers, harry secombe, and other demented souls

spike milligan 1918 - 2002 rip

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